bicycling on every wednesday evening...

i...really don't. i don't even know if i ever have. it's mostly been done every other day of the week, i think. haha.
anyway.

yesterday was our last real 236th summer semester ward activity. and guess what.
i was sad.

(i am aware, pretty much everything provokes some great emotion from me, which could mean you judge me to be dramatic...but if that bothers you, you should probably have stopped reading my blog by now. like, NOW. or i'm going to accidentally give you an ulcer, and i don't want that.)

I say to rachel (ratch), all the time, when I get upset about something "I wish I just didn't CARE." One time, she firmly, but kindly, said, "Missy, no you don't." And she's right, and I can't ever forget that. I'm never going to be good at saying goodbyes, but that's okay. If I'm ever in a state of not-missing-someone, either the second coming has occurred, or my heart has turned to stone. So. It's okay.
Also. I've felt a pretty constant feeling--especially since i started college--of frustration...that I'm always missing out on something. There's always somewhere else I could be, someone else I could be with, something else I could be doing. But, oh well. We have to make choices constantly in life, and as long as i don't repeatedly choose to sit home and do nothing, I'm going to have to be happy with whatever I'm doing.

SO. Since I've realized that I'm NEVER going to be able to do EVERYTHING that I wish I could, or I think I should, I should just chill out and be grateful for the things I HAVE done.

Sooooo.
thank you, my darling summer friends, (and eternal family) for helping me (since the beginning of May):
.live in the cutest, happiest, greatest ghetto apt EVER for four months with three of the BEST roomates,
.swwwwim,
.camp,
.have nice talks about everything i could possibly desire,
.be involved in the BEST ward with the BEST calling ever,
.make new friends,
.make better friends,
.read,
.enjoy otter pops and popsicles and snow cones and ice cream and un-cal-fro-yo and MOCHI,
.discover/experience lots of GREAT music,
.watch some old and new WONDERFUL films,
.try loooots of great cuisine,
.trust and be trusted,
.write happy letters,
.take happy photos,
.have fun at family gatherings,
.play at amusement parks,
.ride all over south provo on darling bicycles,
.browse the city biblioteca,
.enjoy porch sitting on summer afternoons and evenings and nights,
.shhhop,
.read lots of informative and some pointless magazine articles,
.attain more freckles and lightened hair from spending time in the ssssun,
.have bonfires. every time i remotely desired one,
.play at that freezing beautiful lake down the road,
.travel down that freezing beautiful river up the road,
.rrrroadtrip,
.looongboard,
.dance my heart out,
.overcome some secret and severely silly fears,
.play in the ocean,
.love urbanness,
.love suburbanness,
.utilize my sunglasses,
.have fun smelling drugs i'm not doing and sweaty people i don't know/attending excellent concerts,
.wear my favorite attire, over and over and over--tshirt and cutoffs/jeans,
.play with sparklers and fireworks,
.sleep in,
.laugh LOADS,
.get free breakfast,
.talk to important byu visitors and new zealanders,
.watch darling love sparks happen,
.cry for not sorrowful reasons,
.read excellent writing/see beautiful photos on bloooogs,
.LOVE,
.be loved,
.see GREAT things,
.gaze and wonder nightly at the BEAUTIFUL night sky,
.sing lots, with lots of talented guitarists and a couple ukuleleists,
.play a little bit of piano and ukulele and guitar...haha,
.help a little african's feet,
.deal with things i needed/need to,
.play nintendo,
.be creative,
.be artistic,
.express myself,
.watch some GREAT musicals,
.learn more about the gospel, people, the world, politics, government, ....lots of things,
.learn more about (by others' example): sacrifice, real love, selflessness, courage, patience, hard work, persistence, finding jooooy in all things...and so much more,
.experience joy and a special unity watching beautiful SOCCER,
.play soccer, frisbee, ultimate, and kickball,
.see a whole lacrosse game,
.enjoy countless gorgeous sunsets and other beautiful skies,
.learn lots of little slivers of languages,
.hear LOTS of awesome experiences in others' lives, especially about missions,
.and help me learn/remember a little better, who i am.

love you,
missy.

i know the heart of life is good.

arching. (stolen from ryan. thhhhanks.)

yams.

prescriptions.

adorable.

eighty percent OUT.

sooo this week. i've been freaking out about my future, the immediate, the summer, the fall, the winter, the next few years, my adulthood...everything, hardcore.

"fear is the friend who's misunderstood."

i'm not really sure why. BUT. i had super awesome discussions with super awesome people that helped me realize a lot of things, including the fact that i'm lucky to have some very privileged aquaintances. (like, i'm priveleged to know them.)

"then the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining."

anyway. i've concluded...i need to live in the present. and this is my last summer of childhood, probably. which is okay. i just need to get out of crisis mode. and growing up will come when it comes, and i need to not sit on the edge of my seat and cringe...i can just let it hit me. cause i might get knocked over, but i'll definitely be able to get back up.

two friends helped me reach complete opposite conclusions. but i think my personal conclusion should be somewhere in the middle, which is where i am, so i'm glad for that. love is the most important thing EVER and you should never deprive yourself or anyone else of it. that doesn't necessarily refer to, or not refer to, romantic love. so. think about THAT.

"pain throws your heart to the ground, [but] love turns the whole thing around."

don't even try to deny that.

i'm too tired to write anything else. and it's probably TMI anyway. but guess what.

i will be in CA in 72 hours. ish. YESSSSS.

night.

if the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

over a year ago, when i first saw the "where the wild things are" trailer, i got obsessed. SURPRISE. i never do that. anyway. i watched the trailer...quite a few times. and the more i thought about "wake up" being the song used in it, (the trailer, not the movie) the more i was confused. if one hears that^ line, used in the preview, they may think it was a peter panesque line. but it's not. neon bible has lots of lines about imagination and the beauty of childhood, but funeral is about death, and the realization of hard things in life, how we must deal with them, and grow. why would that be used in a preview for a child's movie, i wondered.

Anyway, the movie finally came out, and I didn't see it. and I didn't see it, and I didn't see it...I'm not really sure why...it seems I was just always with those who weren't going to see it, when my other friends were seeing it...I was unlucky...I don't know. Anyway, after over a year of anticipation, I finally watched the film last night. I'd heard tons of reviews, mostly confusing, so I was ready for anything.

I loved it. I couldn't stop analyzing the whole time...I hate when I'm ever a Judith, grumpy and negative and rude, not even the most realistic, just the most rude. I want to be the loveable Douglas, who never causes contention, and everyone loves, but even the Douglases get hurt sometimes...sometimes it's the innocent ones that get hurt the most. Every character in the movie portrayed different aspects of human nature...in everyone. Maybe certain traits/weaknesses/strengths pop up more in some than others, but we all have been in all of their places. One of my favorite characters was Max...the sweet boy who wants to make everything better, but doesn't know how. But no one knows how, no one's perfect in this life, (except for one was, of course) so we've all just got to struggle and try, and accept and learn from failure when it comes. What I loved, and what made my heart ache, the most about Max was the way he tried to pretend his problems didn't exist, his insecurities, his troubles, his sadnesses, and run around and have a "wild rumpus". I think I'm severely guilty of that. The thought of finishing school, getting married, growing up, having CHILDREN....terrrrifies me. Of course I'm excited for it. But. I have to get in every last moment of youth and fun and immaturity before it comes. And it often exhausts me. In many ways. That's why Max went home, because he knows he can't run away. From anything. It just doesn't work. That's one thing he's got on me, and Carol, who I think I'm the most like. One step behind everyone in reality, can't get over the fact KW is changing. (hates change.) Can't get over the fact the life isn't happy all the time, and wishes it would be. I think I've at least gotten to the point that I'm grateful for hard things, because I know it makes me grow, whereas I don't think Carol would be/is. Then poor Alexander, who's often hurt and ignored. NO ONE wants to be him. And no one likes to admit that we're ever him. But we all are. Sometimes. And that's okay. beCAUSE the point of the story is that Max goes HOME. To his MOM/family. And he's sorry about his tantrum, and he's ready to accept some hard things and move on. And not only is Mom waiting, she has dinner for him. And chocolate cake. I'm not saying literally every time you have a bad day you need to literally go home to your mother, I'm just saying EVERYONE needs SOMEONE. We're all mortal. And we all have problems. We all need to find those we love that can help us calm down and stop playing with the wild things, and running away, and face our issues and grow up.

Listen to "Wake Up" again. "We're just a million little gods causin' rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust. I guess we'll just have to adjust!" It's actually incredibly perfect for a trailer of the film.

No one's perfect. It's okay. We all have time to work on it. That's the point of this life. I love that film. I love Maurice Sendak and Spike Jonze and Max Records and Karen O for building this incredible piece of art, (with thousands of other people) triggering this analysis of my life. And for making all of us that have seen/will see the film feel that uncomfortable, but cleansing feeling when we realized we're looking in a figurative mirror. Which we weren't expecting. But we need it, all the same.

i won't look back anymore, i left the people that do, it's not the chase that i love, it's me following you!

If you're having a ...confused, unhappy, questionable, missing, unsettling...less-than-perfect day, and you can't...think, listen to sufjan. i could NOT concentrate yesterday, until i started. additionally, i've been thinking about what a dear nathan said last night about music...how sensitive he is to it.

the reason i cry so much is because i love to let everything in. if i feel like anything...a movie, a song, a sentence, a look, an action, a conversation, had love and effort and passion placed into it by the creator, i'll give it a chance. sometimes i shut myself off, because it's more comfortable, but how can i live my life with my eyes half-open? so i opened them last night as nathan's choice of beautiful french music washed over me, and i went home and listened to some sufjan and worked on my paper, and cried, haha, and went to bed. and now, as i reflect over people and things and experiences and everything that i've learned this year, i can do it with my eyes open, and without that uncomfortable anxious feeling. i'm so grateful to so many wonderful people that helped me, whether they live in my ward, or in provo, or in kaysville, or in logan, or ...the DR, Brazil, CA, Canada, NY ...and i wouldn't take anything back.

i'm really glad i feel like this beFORE finals, so i'll be able to concentrate finally, and stop feeling anxious and unhappy and wanting this semester to end...haha.

anyway. thanks, everybody.
i hate sunrises. i also have a rather difficult time embracing change. but i'm doing that right now. hence, the picture.

oh, also, that WHOLE line^ in kick drum heart totally applies to me.
i'm excited for the future. for my life. for new things. and for development of other things. i'm not chasing someone i'm in love with, i'm chasing life.

summersick

I know I already wrote a post about summer. But. I don't care.
Summer is the best thing, in the whole world, and yes I would give up snowboarding frequently (since I've been...three times, in the last two years anyway, lame.) to have it all year round.
But I guess for me, at this time in my life, summer is having a stupid job that you kind of maybe like (or maybe just hate) and NO SCHOOL. and PLAAYing every spare moment.
maybe when I grow up, I can focus more on the weather.
I'm so done with school. And...I told someone the other day...maybe ratch, that, I'm so done and that's bad cause I have like fifteen papers to write....
I wasn't exaggerating. Excluding finals, I have fifteen papers to write. hahah.
I don't get homesick. or seasick. I get peoplesick. and summersick.
and when I get really...excited, or nervous, or sad, or happy, or angry, or anyextremeemotiony, I get nauseous.
I am literally sick, about summer. Right now. In the library.
things to do:
camp
picnic
swim
water color
DANCE PARTY
walk-about
wear cut offs
attend concerts
gaze at the starry skies
farmer's market
read beautiful literature
ice cream
DANCE PARTY
practice spanish
work
make healthy food (and eat it)
fruit. eat it.
DANCE PARTY
tie dye. cut off. spray paint. (create clothing)
call friendies on the phone (in logan, or ktown, or cedar, or WA, or FH, or indianers, or alazka, or whatever)
ride a bike
longboard/skate (hahah)
get summer skin
write letters

to name a few.
oh and...DANCE PARTY, maybe.
also, the picture at the top, is a nice tidbit of summer. britter and i were dancing in the car, on a long drive, to techno, with great friends, on the way to an outdoor concert.
SO SUMMER.
aghghghghghhghg
summer. come get me. now.

i hate/love being obsessed with songs.

soooo. i was talking to a dear friend the other day, after i started playing my presently favorite playlist in his car, for the eightieth time, he made a wincy face as it began...i asked him if he was sick of me playing it, and being the kind person he is...he just turned the conversation around to explain that i listen to music in a different way (over and over and over...if i like it) than he does.

which is true.

sahrry.

Anyway. Right now it's Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard...triggered by a darling lady in my ward and her fiancé.

and i'm overindulging because Tucker got the soundtrack and let me have it...

anyway.

it makes my heart hurt.

because that line...

take this sinking boat, and point it home- we've still got time.

i hate feeling like i'm in a sinking boat. and i hate it even more when i don't know which way is home.

but i just want to do it...to go there...so bad.

life. is so beautiful and wonderful and amazing and awesome and fun and happy...

and hard.