Monday, June 7, 2010

i know the heart of life is good.

arching. (stolen from ryan. thhhhanks.)

yams.

prescriptions.

adorable.

eighty percent OUT.


sooo this week. i've been freaking out about my future, the immediate, the summer, the fall, the winter, the next few years, my adulthood...everything, hardcore.
"fear is the friend who's misunderstood."


i'm not really sure why. BUT. i had super awesome discussions with super awesome people that helped me realize a lot of things, including the fact that i'm lucky to have some very privileged aquaintances. (like, i'm priveleged to know them.)

"then the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining."


anyway. i've concluded...i need to live in the present. and this is my last summer of childhood, probably. which is okay. i just need to get out of crisis mode. and growing up will come when it comes, and i need to not sit on the edge of my seat and cringe...i can just let it hit me. cause i might get knocked over, but i'll definitely be able to get back up.

two friends helped me reach complete opposite conclusions. but i think my personal conclusion should be somewhere in the middle, which is where i am, so i'm glad for that. love is the most important thing EVER and you should never deprive yourself or anyone else of it. that doesn't necessarily refer to, or not refer to, romantic love. so. think about THAT.


"pain throws your heart to the ground, [but] love turns the whole thing around."

don't even try to deny that.


i'm too tired to write anything else. and it's probably TMI anyway. but guess what.

i will be in CA in 72 hours. ish. YESSSSS.

night.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

five [hundred] percent pleasure.


i was talking with a nice young man last night, watching a group of enthusiastic twenty-somethings playing four square, very... enthusiastically. we laughed about this cute little world we're living in, and how we've really got to enjoy every second of it, while it lasts. cause really...college is way too fun.

some things, a-j:
a. we can go back to sunny beautiful moab...now. if you guys want.
b. it is very possible to get sick of BYU brownies.
c. reason number 40,276 i love efy: sometimes they have leftover whatever-awesomeness placed in the third floor kitchen right when i get off.
d. provo town center is probably better than university mall. but i still hate those bridges.
e. i love living with these gingers.
f. starting now, i am one-fourth mexican.
g. troll 2 is indeed the worst film, ever.
h. i love banksy.
i. there are 4 d-words.
j. one week from tomorrow...california, here we COME.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

if the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.


over a year ago, when i first saw the "where the wild things are" trailer, i got obsessed. SURPRISE. i never do that. anyway. i watched the trailer...quite a few times. and the more i thought about "wake up" being the song used in it, (the trailer, not the movie) the more i was confused. if one hears that^ line, used in the preview, they may think it was a peter panesque line. but it's not. neon bible has lots of lines about imagination and the beauty of childhood, but funeral is about death, and the realization of hard things in life, how we must deal with them, and grow. why would that be used in a preview for a child's movie, i wondered.

Anyway, the movie finally came out, and I didn't see it. and I didn't see it, and I didn't see it...I'm not really sure why...it seems I was just always with those who weren't going to see it, when my other friends were seeing it...I was unlucky...I don't know. Anyway, after over a year of anticipation, I finally watched the film last night. I'd heard tons of reviews, mostly confusing, so I was ready for anything.

I loved it. I couldn't stop analyzing the whole time...I hate when I'm ever a Judith, grumpy and negative and rude, not even the most realistic, just the most rude. I want to be the loveable Douglas, who never causes contention, and everyone loves, but even the Douglases get hurt sometimes...sometimes it's the innocent ones that get hurt the most. Every character in the movie portrayed different aspects of human nature...in everyone. Maybe certain traits/weaknesses/strengths pop up more in some than others, but we all have been in all of their places. One of my favorite characters was Max...the sweet boy who wants to make everything better, but doesn't know how. But no one knows how, no one's perfect in this life, (except for one was, of course) so we've all just got to struggle and try, and accept and learn from failure when it comes. What I loved, and what made my heart ache, the most about Max was the way he tried to pretend his problems didn't exist, his insecurities, his troubles, his sadnesses, and run around and have a "wild rumpus". I think I'm severely guilty of that. The thought of finishing school, getting married, growing up, having CHILDREN....terrrrifies me. Of course I'm excited for it. But. I have to get in every last moment of youth and fun and immaturity before it comes. And it often exhausts me. In many ways. That's why Max went home, because he knows he can't run away. From anything. It just doesn't work. That's one thing he's got on me, and Carol, who I think I'm the most like. One step behind everyone in reality, can't get over the fact KW is changing. (hates change.) Can't get over the fact the life isn't happy all the time, and wishes it would be. I think I've at least gotten to the point that I'm grateful for hard things, because I know it makes me grow, whereas I don't think Carol would be/is. Then poor Alexander, who's often hurt and ignored. NO ONE wants to be him. And no one likes to admit that we're ever him. But we all are. Sometimes. And that's okay. beCAUSE the point of the story is that Max goes HOME. To his MOM/family. And he's sorry about his tantrum, and he's ready to accept some hard things and move on. And not only is Mom waiting, she has dinner for him. And chocolate cake. I'm not saying literally every time you have a bad day you need to literally go home to your mother, I'm just saying EVERYONE needs SOMEONE. We're all mortal. And we all have problems. We all need to find those we love that can help us calm down and stop playing with the wild things, and running away, and face our issues and grow up.

Listen to "Wake Up" again. "We're just a million little gods causin' rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust. I guess we'll just have to adjust!" It's actually incredibly perfect for a trailer of the film.

No one's perfect. It's okay. We all have time to work on it. That's the point of this life. I love that film. I love Maurice Sendak and Spike Jonze and Max Records and Karen O for building this incredible piece of art, (with thousands of other people) triggering this analysis of my life. And for making all of us that have seen/will see the film feel that uncomfortable, but cleansing feeling when we realized we're looking in a figurative mirror. Which we weren't expecting. But we need it, all the same.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

with the spirit of a hustla

and the swagga of a college kid.
[cool3r than y0u]

Thursday, May 20, 2010

papa, papaRAZZI.













i've changed my stance on tv watching being a waste of time.

my life is better now:

okay, tyler, tucker, dallin, i do want to date someone. his name is jason.


i...just...hahahaaaaaaaaaa


win. and his hair...win.


elmo is SO legit.


as is cookie monster:


MAILBOXES!


please tell me you watched all of those. cause really...we all have nothing better to do.
go sesame street!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

sleeping is giving in!

but only a little. you do need some sleep.

especially me. sorry, body.

anyway. i was really tired last night, but i chose to watch a movie...again...instead of going to sleep, and i had the weirdest/funniest experience. when the movie was done, a fellow friend watching it asked me about a detail in the middle, and i laughed and said i'd been sleeping the whole time, didn't he notice? and he replied YES, you kept snoring!

of course, i was embarrassed, and insisted i don't snore. (i really don't know if i regularly snore at night, because anyone that shares a room with me usually goes to bed before me and wakes up the same time as or after me, so...haha.) it may have just been because i was so severely lacking in sleep...haha. doesn't matter. anyway.

as i thought about the weird on and off sleep i'd collected during the film, i remembered hearing obnoxious snoring, that wouldn't stop, and i couldn't tell where it was coming from, but i just wanted it to STOP so i could SLEEP. the loud fakey soundy snore he described i had, was exactly what i heard.

WHAT. how is that even possible? i don't know. but ...that's hilarious. and i need more sleep. hahahahha.

lucid dreaming?