if it were mine, it would be yours to take.

i don't want to get married, right now. at ALL.

but. the thought, of a best friend, that will be with me, for forEVER, and won't go to a different school hours away, or leave me for a couple years, or forget about me 'cause they're in love with someone else, or move away, or move onto cooler friends, or whatever...

is SO appealing.

selfish, i am. annnnd that's why i've still got a FEW years before i figure out my tribe. and my future hussaband's. haha.

on a completely unrelated note, pleeeeeeease listen to this song.

unrealistic notion...

I always want to try and understand people, what motivates the things they do and say, the way they interact with others, why they make the goals they do...I think it originally came from trying to be friends with people that frustrated me, but now I just do it with everyone.

I think because of this, I've become terribly set on making a set picture of myself, everywhere I go. There's lots of different aspects of it, but a key part of this is that I want myself to be that friend, that you can go to, to talk to.

More than that. That girl, in the friend group, that everyone, especially the boys, can go to, to open up to about ANYthing. I learned in high school, that with most friend groups, the best way to do this is to not date anyone in the friend group. Never be interested in anyone, and make sure no one's ever interested in me. Obviously, because humans are human, I usually don't have a clean record on either of the last two accounts. However, for the most part, I've held true to the anti-dating policy. (And truthfully, I'm proud of it. I don't really care if I should be, but I personally have zero desire to be in thirty four relationships that don't work out, before I figure out my tribe. Even though dating is totally different than friendship, I think a LOT can be collected from friendships, about who I mean to/want to be, and who I want to marry.)

Although the occasional chick-flick, or facebook album of engagements causes little twinges of desire for that someone, I've survived quite nicely. Unfortunately, I've been running into something much worse that's made me question my vow of extremely-limited-dating-before-the-mission: real true live love. Hearing about, watching, and witnessing my dear friends and family experience heartbreak over a relationship that meant way more than someone to hold hands with, pretending so desperately that they're surviving alright when their fervent search for their "one and only" seems hopeless, and last of all, when they FIND that someone. and MARRY that someone.

My mother has lectured me for, literally, years about this role I place myself in. She doesn't know how purposeful it is, because I won't let her know. She doesn't want to see me in pain like [one of my relatives], who couldn't understand, for aWHILe, why she couldn't find her tribe. (it's cause...i think she had, but her... ultimate compatible tribe companion? this is getting hard, hahah....was still on a mission! and growing up a little.) Really though, it obviously worked out, sooo....I'll be fine.

and love is but an ocean...

it goes on. and on. and on.
love, i mean.

...i can't gather my thoughts, so that's all.

seriously.

"Missy, can I--WHAT! You're not like caring for a baby in here. Or pregnant! CARPET! Couches?? What!...Can I...Can I have the bleach?"
-temporary janitor of the lavatory

"If everyone was in ward choir, who would they sing to? It's just as important to have spectators."
-probably my favorite ward member

"That's why I don't like horses. They look nice, but inside they're evil."
-horse and boy hater

tell me what you know about dreams, dreams.

i'm not even going to go into that except...i do think dreams reflect what we've recently been thinking on, whether it's conscious or not. dreams are NOT random.

like my dream about pirates after i fell asleep after reading peter pan. so not random.
also probably means that i will be a pirate someday.
and fly.

ANYway. i've realized recently, i don't get bored anymore. i don't know why. i guess, if i don't feel content with my present activity, i change it by occupying myself with something else. or someone. but i still stay i'm bored all the time...out of habit i guess.

and i never do "nothing" anymore either. if i look like i'm sitting, doing nothing, without a book or notebook or a puppy or ipod, staring into space...i'm probably so terribly preoccupied with my thoughts that i can't concentrate on any visible activity.

what i'm trying to say...why? am i more easily satisfied? or have a found a way to be happy all the time in my life? (at least for the moment.)

list of things i've done in the last wk that COULD be boring but were WAY happy:
-making a scavenger hunt list while watching two halves of two movies
-playing mini-games on N64 over and over and over with one other person
-watching fiddler on the roof for the eight billionth time in my life
-going apt hunting in the blazing heat
-waiting in line for rides at lagoon with my fam
-lone walks
-talking. just talking. on couches, on a porch, on the grass...just TALK.
-organizing the pickchur wall
-sharing files

...maybe the secret is, to find the joy in the small things, instead of wishing for greater. why do i need to be wishing i was doing crazy things away from here? i'm happy. thankkkks. :)

the lights go on.

sooooo. i learned a lesson today. sometimes people can break rules, and get away with it, maybe cause sometimes that rule wasn't necessarily made for them, but stupid people who can't control themselves.

like, maybe bringing food, like a full, unlidded cup of cranberry juice, somewhere, like a carpeted school library, where you're not supposed to....


dang it. sorry harold.

whyyy do i need anyone else, when i can break the sky myself?

the last few years...or rather, since i can remember...i feel like my life has had a pretty steady pattern. something GREAT happens, then something ELSE that's GREAT then something ELSE til my life is positively golden with all these wonderful happenings and people and places. then when i can't get any higher on this cloud of awesomeness, i crrrrash. and something tests me. and i'm not happy. and i have to try to be. and it's a test. i think it's called...learning humility.

anyway, right now, i keep trying to tell myself i'll stay on this awesome streak til the end of the summer...but i don't even know if that's possible. cause it has been a ridiculously GREAT. month.

some things:

bonnnnfire!!
drrrive in!
sparklerrrrs! (HI!)
wedding! (helping the groom with the cufflinks and...buttonlinks?)
family babies!!
blast to the past!!

deer!

sunsetsss!

hmmmm. :)