unrealistic notion...

I always want to try and understand people, what motivates the things they do and say, the way they interact with others, why they make the goals they do...I think it originally came from trying to be friends with people that frustrated me, but now I just do it with everyone.

I think because of this, I've become terribly set on making a set picture of myself, everywhere I go. There's lots of different aspects of it, but a key part of this is that I want myself to be that friend, that you can go to, to talk to.

More than that. That girl, in the friend group, that everyone, especially the boys, can go to, to open up to about ANYthing. I learned in high school, that with most friend groups, the best way to do this is to not date anyone in the friend group. Never be interested in anyone, and make sure no one's ever interested in me. Obviously, because humans are human, I usually don't have a clean record on either of the last two accounts. However, for the most part, I've held true to the anti-dating policy. (And truthfully, I'm proud of it. I don't really care if I should be, but I personally have zero desire to be in thirty four relationships that don't work out, before I figure out my tribe. Even though dating is totally different than friendship, I think a LOT can be collected from friendships, about who I mean to/want to be, and who I want to marry.)

Although the occasional chick-flick, or facebook album of engagements causes little twinges of desire for that someone, I've survived quite nicely. Unfortunately, I've been running into something much worse that's made me question my vow of extremely-limited-dating-before-the-mission: real true live love. Hearing about, watching, and witnessing my dear friends and family experience heartbreak over a relationship that meant way more than someone to hold hands with, pretending so desperately that they're surviving alright when their fervent search for their "one and only" seems hopeless, and last of all, when they FIND that someone. and MARRY that someone.

My mother has lectured me for, literally, years about this role I place myself in. She doesn't know how purposeful it is, because I won't let her know. She doesn't want to see me in pain like [one of my relatives], who couldn't understand, for aWHILe, why she couldn't find her tribe. (it's cause...i think she had, but her... ultimate compatible tribe companion? this is getting hard, hahah....was still on a mission! and growing up a little.) Really though, it obviously worked out, sooo....I'll be fine.