horsemessersmithtraceguthrie...

one of my gifts today was an itunes gift card. last year, i got 30$ worth, and i still ended up spending some of my money. i love getting a few songs from lots of bands, tasting lots of things, savoring, exploring...i love it. a lot. more than food and clothes and movies and other worldly things. music is by far my favorite.

but i just got on to redeem it and...everything sounds the same. i like it, but i don't really care. i'm not dying to buy/find/get every album, to blast it/plug in my headphones/show someone.

i don't care.

i don't even remember the last time i felt indifferent to music. i think it's because it's never happened. i can always find something to satisfy my craving. because yes, it's an addiction.

it's a blessing. it's a shock, but a blessing. happy christmas.

i'm building a sill...

to slooooow down the time.
shut up, ted.

today was grEAT.

i got to listen to HOURS of bright eyes and woodsy things, listening totally and completely, without feeling guilty.
i got to experience the feeling of having a job that pays more than minimum wage, AND i wasn't stressing about wrong orders/food running out/something burning!
i had delightful lunch with delightful people.
there was snow.
the season finale of psych scared me. (i don't know if that's a good thing for me, but i suppose it was properly executed, which is great for them.)
i wore my red cardigan.
no one gave me grief about wearing my hair up.
no one made fun of me for going to BYU. i was definitely in Ute territory, and at least three people said things like "how nice" and "good for you" in sincerity.
i passed the drug test.

two things i did not like that i must mention:
i had to pee into a cup.
i viewed some "america's funniest home videos".

i'm not going to lie, i'm purposely blogging a lot.

but really, i felt like time was slowed down today. i didn't waste any time, which felt great, i was super sleepy, so things felt kinda surreal, and i just slowly savored my day. that's the best way to say goodbye, i think. :)

If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do...

...if there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.

i love that song, so much. and i love the way it makes me feel. i love the way my heart aches for people and things i miss, happy experiences i've had, things i hope to happen in the future.

but i don't love the way my heart aches over hateful things i couldn't/can't change. it feels like a rotten nasty lump in me that might shrink, or be ignored, but feels like it'll never disappear. fun reminder of that today. oh well. anyway.

christmas is the BEST. and since finals have existed, i always leave my shopping til the very last second, which proves to be difficult when i still insist on the most BOMB presents for my famfam, who are da best.

but it always works out. and it's always the most wonderful feeling to see their happy surprised faces.

YAY CHRITHMATH!
let's go watch the grinch.

humorous exchanges.

names changed.

Carol: R! SSSSSSTUDY.
R: Hey! In three thousand years, is it going to matter if I talked to my future wife, or if I got an A on this test? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Lorraine: When're you going to practice, GARY?
Gary: When're you going to shower, LORRAINE?

Haston: ...And FYI, Nyquil doesn't knock ducks out.
Johncth: Tums. Does the trick.

the footprints over the snow

IT SNOWED.

i love snow. did you know that? and i love to snowboard. and sled. and tube. and sit in the snow in waterproof clothing. and throw sticky snowballs at windows. i just don't like being cold. so i wear layers. no, i am not a polar bear because i grew up in utah, i just learned how to layer. no more questions about that now, please.


i'm done. i just walked out of my last final, and i stopped, and had a flashback from freshman year, as most of my best friends during april finals, would say: this is my last paper for two years, this is my last final for two years, my last class for two years...you get the point.


i said to myself: missy, you're done. for TWO YEARS.


what's up.


:)


p.s. my deferment papers are my bookmark in Peter Pan. perfect.

it's only change, and i'm only changing...

i've heard it a million times, and so have you:

yeah, i hated that area, but by the time i was transferred, i was so sad, cause i'd grown to love it.

i thought she was so obnoxious, but then we had to work together, and we got really close, by the time the class was over, i was sad i didn't see her anymore.

i had to work with him everyday, and at first he drove me crazy, but i grew to like him by the end, and i missed him after i left.

et cetera.

you start out in a situation, and it's hard. it's unhappy, you don't know what to do with yourself, you want everything to be "just like it used to be". you acknowledge that it won't, then you go to work. and it's difficult, but you see a change that grows and grows until suddenly, the situation you've been complaining about is now creating most of the happiness in your life.

by the time we're comfortable, we have to move on, so we can grow some more.

i finally am comfortable in provo. i don't just have friends, or fun, but it's my home. last night i had my last (maybe? probably.) sunday chat with ...probably my best non-gibson friend in provo... and it was surreal. we talked about the way we became friends, which is kinda crazy. lots of things happened that put us in the right place at the right time...and not all happy things. mostly not happy things, actually. but we both chose to make the best of things, and now, he's truly and honestly like the big brother i've never had. but of course, because we're only pseudo-siblings, we have to say goodbye now, and i don't know where we're both going to be in two years. but that's okay. we're leaving each other better, and i will never forget our friendship.

i'm going to miss my big brother, my best friends, my ward family, byu, provo, and living in the same city with four of my real siblings, but. i'm so excited for this next step.


goodbye provo, hello kaysville.


oh and p.s....it's almost christmas. be excited. :)
(official christmas tree of allred twelve, thanks going to my dear miss cassandra.)

come on happy lovers.

i hate sleeping. and i hate that i have to sleep. my friend told me if he had a super power, it would be to not need sleep. (genius.)

okay, i love sleeping. i just hate taking the time to do it. i don't want to give into it til at least two, and i want it to be over by eight or nine.

but last niiiiight. sleep wouldn't visit til after three. and i had to be at work at six. i worked for ten hours, then, completely exhausted, came home and fell asleep. for six stupid hours. i didn't wake up til midnight. my last friday, spent working and sleeping.

DUMB.

i. am. bugged.

(okay, about way more than that, but i'm just going to channel all right through there.)

watch and become educated, do not make my mistake:

don't. sleep. ever.

la verdad.

this. is what my front yard looked like when i woke up.
just kidding. hahah. zero snow. and it's warm enough to be october.
reason number 894 i would never go to byu-i or usu. :D

also:
true things (they must be. they MUST be.)

if you're speaking a language other than english in the library, no one can hear you.
if you make a joke about provo/mormons that grew up or live in utah/the "mrs." degree at least a hundred times, it beCOMES funny.
if you pretend you don't know someone often enough, they forget they know you.
if one speaks english in spanish class everyday, his (or her) class/professor will stop caring, and just let you do it.
tons and tons of people buy lysol after they hear those ads that play on playlist DURING your music over and over.
once i move back to kaysville, it will become equally excellent as provo.
aaaaaand:
if i get distracted enough, my paper will finish itself.

don't you evah, get too comfTAble. lemme catch my breath!

dang it. i love coming back to old, wonderful songs.

this. weekend. was. the BEST. and i super planned out one day, and let the other two happen, and they were PERFECT. even the awkward parts. like our bathroom ceiling sagging slowly to our destruction. hahhaha...but seriously.

change is really awesome. the ability to find new beginnings in so many different places, in so many different ways, is incredible. and even though we usually aren't in love with it, our incredible ability to change is beautiful. about every three months i've had in provo have felt like a completely different phase, and experience. i love this place, partly because the people and places i associate with are so open to my attempt to change, to refine myself, to stand back up when i slip. they may remember my past faults, but i'm not condemned for them. who i spend most of my time with is constantly changing and slipping, and what i do with these people. it's incredibly refreshing. a significant time marker just passed, of a sad day one year ago, last week. i brought it up with a dear friend, and the reflection felt like an ocean. there's no way i could imagine how much could have happened. so many things were pulled out from under my feet over the past twelve months, i kept climbing back up, and i was rewarded a thousand times over.

although the title^ was referring to a SEEYICK mash-up i've become re-obsessed with, it has a (n ironically) perfect eloquence of expression with my feelings of reflection. sitting on a shelf will never help us progress. each step of life should have new, more intimidating challenges. as long as we work hard, we'll learn. we're learning beings, and if we don't take advantage of it, we're hurting ourselves. it's nice to be comfortable, but it's better to grow. Neverland is such a nice thing to think about, but if we let the actual concept into our lives, we'll be stuck in a sad cycle of saying goodbye to our progressing, growing friends like peter. i hate being on that end of a farewell.

kay. i have to go be a writer. great.

love.

oh also...i love this. and them. :)

i love being honest with myself.

welp. this is my fifth publishing of blogposts today, thank you. some of ...most of the emotions and opinions i ranted about in those unposted blogs, i do not feel today, or in this present time in general, but it was still liberating.

p.s. i love provo. dang it.

i'm thankful:
for pretty much every late night this summer, and this fall
for everyone in my ward
for my bests
for my fam
for other people's birthdays
for beautiful cinema
for pumpkin pie
for homemade mashed potatoes
for library visits with the summer crew
for porch chats at both of those houses i adore
for missions and missionaries
for letters
for skaters
for spanish
for MUSIC
for snow
for automobiles
for escuela
for hats
for literature
for the gospel
for my parents
for long walks
for bike rides
for ice cream
aaaand for the heartache some of these things, and all the people that keep openly/verbally dreading my departure, are causing me.

p.p.s. a friend made a perfect analogy today: right now, at this point, i feel like i'm a driver in mario cart, trying to dodge bananas and bombs and shells, at the same time maneuver my vehicle so i stay on the road, and avoid hitting other vehicles, and drive as quickly as i can, so everything will turn out well. this was exciting at the beginning [of the semester], but now the level's getting really hard, and i'm sick of playing, and i don't know how everything's going to turn out...

alabama arkansaaaaaas.

i love covers, and i love remixes. i think this could be a reflection of the way i think, and live; i don't like to leave beautiful things of the past behind, i like to revisit them. however, if it's in a new light, with new people, an "up-dated" version of my experience, if you will, it's even better!

i love ben lee's cover of modest mouse's float on.

i love jason mraz's cover of bob marley's one love.

i love the "across the universe" covers of the beatles' let it be, i've just seen a face, because, and all you need is love.

i love the kooks' cover of ace of base's all that she wants.

i love the thrice cover of the beatles' eleanor rigby.

i love vitamin string quartet's cover of my chemical romance's helena.

i love the shins' cover of the postal service's we will become silhouettes.

i love death cab's cover of this charming man.

and i love pretty much every cover and remix of kids by mgmt: the kooks, chiddy bang, ben lee...and mgmt's own remix. (which i may be listening to right now and trying SO hard to hold still, in the library...failing...dp toNIZZight...anyway.)

then all of daft punk's alive 2007, especially harderbetterfasterstrongeraroundtheworld.

then there's the freaking hood internet (mashup remixes): two weeks of hip hop, giving up the sunshowers, back that sleepyhead up, rude baptism, comfortable up here, can you hear my kids now...i think you get the point.

that's how i think of life too. i like re-visiting memories, people, and places, and mixing it with my new life. that is why, i am sincerely excitement to move home in less than a month. new and old and love and GREAT.

AND, spacker's back...there's that.

annnnnnd, the point of the title: my favorite remix right now, below.

(no, i do not prefer it. blasphemous. but. i loooooooove.)
also, you can download it from them, for free, here.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS.

i didn't think i was acting terribly stressed, but both of my professors i've talked to today gave me a looked that screamed sympathy and a desire to pat me on the head (and asked me if i'm alright/stated i seem tired). truthfully, i feel like a ball. a ball of ice, that is hollow, and the outside is so thin, i don't know how in the world it's staying together. rocks and flames are beating at it, trying to make it collapse. but the fragile contents inside cannot be compromised, so the ice must resist.

no matter how much i sleep, my comprehension level is almost non-existent, and my short term memory is SUFfering. every time i talk to my mom, i can't see, for the wall of tears. i'm not sure how i'll make it through this week, all i want to do is write letters to those doing what i'm not. yet.

then i opened an email from a most certainly inspired man.

one more month, then this part's over. i can dooo it!

i'm grateful for: email.


and this/them.

in a year or year or so, this will slip into the sea.

today was great. also,

i have a LOT of unposted blogs. and to be honest, about half of them are because i'm too scared to post them, not because they're too personal.

a dear friend once reprimanded me for this, and i vowed i would post them, someday. because no one really cares. just me. i think i will post them all at once... before the end of the year. they might offend. oh well. i'm getting really bad about being aware of social niceties. i'm ready to go home. then leave and serve. :)

have the BEST monday evening, ever.

love.

i feel weird.

it's odd for me, blogging now, 'cause even though i know other people read...it felt like i was mostly blogging for myself and rachie. so now i'm mostly blogging for myself? haha.

also, it is true:
dancing gives one more endorphins than...anything.
yesterday i was considerably stressed, i had like four hours to do like seven hours worth of activities, and i ran home to eat, and i was met by a wall of excellent sound blasting from everywhere, and dear friends dancing in the middle of it. i danced for maybe two minutes, but it was so excellent.

i love thursdays, because:
the weekend has already (sneakily) begun
dinner club is usually crazy
30 Rock is on
i only have two classes
i get to sleep in
tuesday AND wednesday are over
i don't have creative writing
i usually skip spanish (for mental health reasons...i will go crazy if i go every day. period.)
i get tomato basil soup (okay that was just yesterday. thanks maaaam. :) )

aaaaaand no one ever watches videos on anyone's blog blah blah blah (well, i do. so here.)

also, this is FUHnny.

life IS wonderful.

"...It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful..."
-Jason Mraz, "Life is Wonderful" on Mr. A-Z
this, honestly, has been one of the best days in awhile. it feels like christmas i'm so happy. mostly, because my bestie friendie rachelface barney entered the mtc.

missions, are soooo, GREAT.
and i was finally able to really embrace that, and be happy for rachel (and julia) last night. it was really happy and chill, hardly any tears, saying goodbye. :)

kay...i'm not doing the grateful thing, cause there is no way i'd remember to blog everyday. but i have to make a little list. right now.
.all the people in my life...and no longer in my life.
homeward, homestake, neighbors, teachers, schoolmates, high school friends, freshman year friends, sophomore year friends, every summer ever friends, junior year friends, work friends, church leaders, every best friend i've had/have, and of course, most of all, my FAMILY.
.the gospel.
i'm so grateful to have the truth in my life, to have guidance through everything i do, to be involved in the church, an organization so awesome and inspired, to know of Christ and His love, and the atonement, and our Heavenly Father, and His plan, and His love....
.an education.
as much of a brat i am about it...i love learning. and i'm very grateful for the opportunity, and for the school i'm able to attend, and for my family in helping me make it here, and stay here. I love BYU, honor code included. :)
.my life.
.music.
.love. (all kinds)
.snow.
.clothes.
.smiles.
.good food.
.funny people.
.computas.
.cell phones.
.shoes.
.sports. (like futbol and snooowboarding...)
.soap.
.showers.
.the postal service. (like, the real one. but i love ben gibbard too.)
.having a roof over my head.
.living in a democratic, capitalistic, mostly open-minded nation.
.being able to see, smell, speak, hear, taste, and touch.
.growing up in cute kaysville.
.the fact we can all say sorry.
.forgiveness.
.humility.
.marriage.
.the innocence of children.
.the incredible power of laughter.
.my momma and dad.
.pokemon. (if you were born between '88 and '92, IT WAS COOL.)

also...i just discovered this. and i love the way his sweet voice captures the song in such a different way than dear glen hansard...

ऊऊके.

इ कैन'टी रीड हिन्दू। बुत इफ यू कैन, हेल्लो!

हहह्हा।
इ ऍम ग्रातेफुल फॉर पोपले...व्हो व्रिते ठिर ब्लोग्स इन हिन्दू। एंड मदे थिस डे एवें फुन्निएर।

ठनक यू, अनोंय्मोउस परसों।

up and up i keep on climbing!

yes. for real. yes. this is kanye.

aaaand:

m: i wouldn't be able to marry someone that dresses terribly, because i wouldn't be attracted to him in the first place!

r: (exasperated, then suddenly excited) okay, what if you were in a play. and he only wore nice clothes, in the play. HA!

(hypothetically recovering from thinking a muskrat costume was that of a kitten.)

g: i shoulda known by the tail. i shoulda known by the skat.

(discussing what should be done about the absolute lack of fear in the deer on campus)

k: someone needs to take a knife and stab one of them!

everyone: (quiet, confusion)

someone: why??

k: well, to show them that we're dangerous!

l: what is it called when you have to do something?

e: commitment?

l: oh yes, that.

g: (out of NOWHERE, peaks head around the corner) wait, who's not sexually active??

(professor forbids any stupid cliche poetry from being turned in at the end of the term)

d: well, there goes my portfolio!

p: all those butterfly poems!

g: son of a!

i love funny people. i couldn't stand it if my life was without them. so i must document this, if only for myself. haha.

also, time is FLYING by right now. i think i like it?

also also, i am, officially, beginning work on my mission papers. :)

i'm down on my mind.

i used to have a very bad temper. i think i've mellowed out a lot.
but i often still take things too personally.
like, i'll get sad because someone's angry about something i inadvertently messed up. OR, when people don't take me seriously.

i like making lofty dreams and plans, but if i look you in the eyes, and i tell you i'm going to do something, (especially if i tell you multiple times, at different times) i have every intention of doing it.

just so you know.

two things:
this year has gone by SO fast...i think because it was so busy.
spacker is home in 17 daaaaays! beautiful.

oh and a third: (i can't stop listening to this. i don't think it'll ever get old...i've loved it awhiiiile)

what's this?

confession:
i no longer look forward to halloween. actually, i dread it.
because i'll have tons of beautiful, hilarious, individual, and group costume ideas that are GENIUS, and none. will work out.like tonight, i think i'm going to be yellow. (we're being the visible colors of the spectrum. ha.)

HM.


i've decided i'll just have to use my children for my wonderful ideas. like:


etc.

whatever.

do you illuminate?

i don't know why i'm blogging right now, i've been awake more than 24 hours and i'm terribly in-eloquent. but.

most concerts give humanizing characteristics to artists for me, for example:

ingrid michaelson-sarcasm

zach condon-humility

isaac slade-very personal writer,

etc.

jonsi? he's even more of a dream figure now. MAGIC. that's. what. we saw. and heard. he's...inspiring. go do, be, live, love, change!

(animal arithmetic from Jónsi on Vimeo.)

that, in the same room as me. myself. my body. INCREDIBLE.

also, funny things said lately:

timmy tim: guess WHAT! i'm gonna be FAMOUS! (whispers) i'm gonna be on tv! annnnd (irritated) i'm wearing a hairnet.

ratch: jonsi has a LOT of tall fans.

anonymous: i get so much bootie, i don't know what to do with it!

businesser: business ethics isn't a matter of choosing right and wrong, it's a code of conduct.

non-businesser: what're we, like pirates? just following guidelines!

lizard, i think: this one, a loose candle.

game player: ...we didn't keep score.

judger: that, is just a fancy way of saying you lost.

p.s. please please PLEASE lungs...don't become pneumonified.

dr. evil =

if you're thinking about slicing your finger(s) with the lid of a can, i would advise not doing it to both your index and middle finger, on your main functioning hand. awkward. haha. however, i do love spiderman bandaids. also, i am SO glad i have ten fully functioning fingers.

there's that.

i often make noise, or wince when i experience or think about pain. physical pain, i mean. it really takes a lot to REALLY hurt, i just still get scared thinking about the pain. and it makes me nauseous and anxious...hahah it's really pathetic. there are some things in life that i take a much longer time than necessary to improve at, because i'm avoiding pain. haha. liiiike snowboarding. i am a big fat BABY when it comes to avoiding pain.

i think maybe, i'm not just like that with physical pain. lame?

if you string it out, it dries right out with time.

if something is bothering me about my relationship with another, i'll either just ask them about it, or get over it. i hate stressing about problemas that can easily be solved.

and i HATE the elephant in the room.
.sidenote. one time in high school, my dear friend wrote a one act called the elephant about "the elephant in the room" annnnnd, it had a few intense parts, and a few swearwords, perhaps slightly awkwardly placed (more there so that they could be there, than to add emotion/feeling/emphasis to the characters' words...fail.) and offended multiple viweres, who were mostly our very conservative parents and young siblings. BAD FORM. never forget your audience.

anyway. sometimes,we don't talk about it 'cause it's not appropriate, or it's scary, or...it's just complicated. so the elephant is looming and fat and ...it's kinda funny. but mostly just weird.

sometimes we create happy elephants, like when we want two people to meet, and they are in the same room, but haven't had the chance to be introduced yet...that's cute. like this.
i thought i had more to say. but i don't. just...avoid creating those (the bad elephants). cause...they're weird. and i have a couple right now. and i think they may not leave. hahaha.
love. bye.

also, something to avoid: elephantiasis. poor guy. (NOT elephantitis. that is not a thing.)

but where exactly is it?

exactly what i've been thinking on lately, pretty much. good thing i've become re-obsessed con este canción.

dear everyone, but mostly students.

i have a secret.

although it is important, in our lives, to gain knowledge, to learn, and to work hard...

YOUR GRADES AND TEST SCORES DO NOT DETERMINE YOUR SALVATION.

so chill.
kthanksbye. :)

riding bikes, making out...brushing teeth.

i love these two.

and the former? three very good things.

thanks, jónsi.

i love my roomates. talking and cooking and laughing and everything with them. last night i related to my darling viv a delightful and hilarious transition of events in my life...isn't it great how insane things can be in the present, but in retrospect they're just really awesome? i'm really grateful for my life, and the things that have happened in it. especially 2006 on. it's been pretty bomb. (also, it's just bomb that me and viv are the same person, there's that.)

missionary work is so great. i received a long awaited (well, honestly, they're all long-awaited, i'm an incredibly impatient person) letter yesterday, annnnd to be honest, even though he's my bestest friendie ever...i can't hear his voice anymore when i read them. partly because he's grown/changed soooo much. missionary work is the most eternal, selfless, wonderful thing EVER. I just wish i could go right noooow. but i know i can prepare more first, so i can be more effective, so it's okay.

one more thing. biiiiiking. is. sooooo. great. i want it to be warm forever. or i just may run away to a warmer climate so i may keep riding til my bday.

cloud cult's new album + jónsi + great thoughts about life previously discussed with a dear friend= best ride eeev. er.

try it?

bye.

summersummersummer tiiiiiiiiiime.

holler.
i've been craving sum blogging all week.
"I just have a lot of feelings..."
hahahahha.

but. thanks to miss broog, this is all i can think about right now:


i. love. will smith.
there's that.

but i do have one thing to say. it's been on my mind a lot lately.

one thing i've learned, in my life, and especially over the last year, is that it is SO important to be yourself. and your BEST self. and if the people you spend time with keep you from being that BESTEST self, and you keep them from being their BESTEST self, you need to quit. spending lots, or maybe any, time with them.
simply.
well, not simply. at all. because there's probably a really good reason you're spending time with these people that aren't bringing out quite the best in you, or you in them.
liiiike:
you love them
they love you
you don't know who else to spend time with
they're good looking
you live together
you work together
etc.
BUT.
we're trying to fulfill our eternal purpose, right? so if we keep tripping over each other, it's difficult to see that far ahead.
SO.
perhaps, "sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing, are the same".
AND.
isn't it great, when we find people who DO bring out the best in us? and we bring out the best in them? :)

THEREFORE.
have a great weekend. and probably you should check this out:
why i'm happy.

the goverment is lying....

i just did this little listy thingy on effbook, in which each participant must pick twenty of the most influential albums in their life.

i think, my distrust of authority and especially the government, leads back to my adoration of box car racer back in 7th grade.
cool beans.

jk. it really was interesting though, you should probably try it.

anyway. guess WHAT. i can BREATHE now(kinda). nothing makes me appreciate oxygen more than the lack of it. last ...thursday? evening, i started feeling a little ill. I assumed it was just because I was lacking in sleep--I'm really good at that, lacking in it, I mean--and didn't worry about it. Then the next day, was a GREAT birthday celebration, and my infirmity became a reality. But I didn't have any time for it. We went on a mountain drive, had a darling picnic, then a beautiful italian surprise dinner party, then a dance party, then a bike ride, then a movie, then a little sleep, then another mountain drive, then a walk down university avenue, then costa vida, then another walk, then a friendy chat, (in the middle of all of this, ratch got sick too, haha) then a little sleep, then church and meeting and meeting, then movie, then fireside, then dindin, ward prayer, a little sleep, class, work, dinner club, fhe, thennn....anyway, since rachie got here last wednesday, i've been having a ridiculous amount of fun, but i was sick during most of it.

WHICH. made me appreciate. good health. all i had was a cough and a stuffy head. and it was difficult to think, to talk, to eat, to sleep, to play, to move for very long, to stay awake, to learn...it was pathetic. i can't even imagine what it would be like to have a real limitation...like paralysis in my lower body. or no sight. or an auto immune disease.

i am grateful, for my healthy body. (disclaimer: i'm still a little sick. so don't expect my voice to sound cute. althoooough i'm pretty positive i'm no longer contagious, jon michael. holler. :) )

aren't we cute? (gracias por la foto, rrrubie.) i also, am grateful for best friendies.

some letters

dear [you]
I love your mustache. you look GREAT today. [too bad it would be weird/uncomfortable/awkward if i said that to your face. for now.] (or maybe ever.)

love,
me.

dear[you]
you are a [skank], and you are the reason i hate the internet [this week]. yes, that's right.
you [stink].

dislike,
me.

dear [you],
thank you, for [helping me to see the humor in reminiscing on awful memories].

irritated,
me.

ugh.

i made it. i won't lie, i was feeling a gross amount of anxiey lots of the evening [because i hate parties involving periods of time without dancing and or organized and fun games] (once we got to the [party], i was happy at the [activities preceding the party].) and in turn had to run down to dance it out a few times, (approx.....7) but. it was fun. it was. there was a BUTTload of people. and i made like ten new friends. most of whom i don't remember. haha.

anyway. i'm exhausted. and there were some slightly awkward moments that could've been prevented if i wasn't a pointer...
work on that.

didn't i, my dear?

i mostly dislike parties, and most other large social gatherings. the overwhelming thought that there are so many people i don't know, that i should, or could, i think is what bothers me so much. i love making new friends (who doesn't?) but after being drowned in introductions for a couple weeks (like...the last two weeks, for example) i start to get overwhelmed, like i might at a party. and i want to give up.

occasionally, my solution for this, is to let people come to me. to not be even remotely friendly or outgoing, until they pretty much offer me a friendship on a platter. which is terribly terribly rude. and when i look back at the times in my life that i did that, versus when i went out of my way to make new friends with anyone and everyone...the latter was and still is ALways more rewarding.

So. I have a challenge. (That I myself will be trying very hard to fulfill as well, of course.) Let's go out of our comfort zones. Until Christmas, don't ever let yourself hide in a comfortable shell of a friend group every day. Be nice, befriendly, be warm. At school, at home, at work, in the grocery store, at church, on the street, EVERYWHERE. Maybe you won't make loads of friends, maybe you will. But won't it be nice to know, come the 25th, that you helped others feel that same love your Heavenly Father has for you, which is why He blessed you with such great friends? Or maybe you don't have a comfortable group of friends. Maybe you're feeling lonely right now. Even better, don't make them come to you, go FIND all these new friends! :)

something:

sometimes i really loathe [some thoughts and ideas of students that attend] byu.

because the honor code? nah, it's not that big of a deal. and really, if i obey it, i sleep better, and privacy and modesty are respected.

the weather? nah, i've lived here my whole life, not until these whiny so-californians (not that i don't love southern californians, cause i do, but...you know you are babies in the cold. smiley face.) came into my life did it even occur to me that i could live somewhere without freezing winters.

the incredible thick bubble? no, again, i'm not planning on staying here, and it's kind of a cute preparation ground for real life.

the obsession with getting married? again, no. hahah sometimes i think if they didn't push it so hard, some kids might just date for the rest of their lives. whudev.

"what then, missy?" you may ask. "aren't these the things most people, including you, harp on, about the problems with living in provo?"

yeah but...the real problem. and it's not because we're all mostly mormon. it's not. it's because the type of school we go to. a lot of kids here could be going to a [better,] different school, but they want to be around good [mormon] kids, so they come here. sooo. huuuuuge range of intelligence. and motivation. and everything. soooo. because a lot of kids here are so obsessed with being good students, they kinda mix it up with being a good person. therefore, some certain people that attend this school, who i used to be very close to, literally made me feel like a bad person for not knowing things i supposedly should, whether it had to do with the english major, or knowledge in general. and you know what? [awhile ago] i was chatting with some very sweet, intelligent boys, one of whom is graduated, and the other is one semester away. and guess what.

they had no idea who harold bloom is.

whhhhaat!

oh wait. maybe, it DOESN'T MATTER. maybe the point of our educations in school, and the point of our agency, is to pursue what we want to learn, and how we we learn it, and when...and everything. so the fact that they didn't know? WHO CARES.

so maybe, next time you think it'll be funny to belittle someone to make yourself feel more intelligent...just shut up.

but you and i now, we can be alright, just hold on to what we know is true.

i once described "underground" music to someone by comparing it to a big beautiful abyss; the deeper you get, the more you hear and love and accept and enjoy, the more you discover you must listen to.

it never ends.

i love/hate it.

a few more months...

also. this life is supa great. but really. there are lots of hard things, coming from everywhere. but if we can just keep our heads up, for every difficulty and sorrow, there is an equally, or more, powerful moment of euphoria. sometimes the bad things are easier to see(often they last longer...or at least it seems they do), i know i'm personally FREquently overwhelmed, but...keep your head up.
today i was happy for like fifty ridiculous reasons. one of them was that i can say i have the "swagga of a college kid".
haha.
i know, that's ridiculous. (and if you don't get that, click on it, please.)
anyway....i ...fail. hahah i can't express what i'm thinking.

i guess just...be happy. cause it's not worth being angry or hurt or...whatever...cause it's not going to benefit you, or anyone else, ever. EVER. some darling kids reminded me of that last night. there are approximately ten billion better things you could be doing with your life, right this very moment.

i think i'll go participate. :)

a bit more.

this is what gq was talking about, the ONLY manner in which vespas can be ridden by men.


love.


a couple naughty words in this one...i apologize. (like really, don't watch it if naughty words unplease you, please.)

where you invest your love, you invest your life.

it seems whenever i have the most to say, i have the least to blog. ummmmm. some things:

.zooey is just as incredible in real life as she seems to be in all forms of media.
.m.ward too.
.ben probably was definitely in the trailer.
.cpk has nice hummus.
.hummus tastes especially nice in the presence of missed friends.
.i don't think i am the same i was when i was sixteen, at all...there's that.
.i LOVE being an english major.
.i didn't think it was possible, to blow out headphones, but i think i've done it. maybe three times, in the last month...haha....dang it.
.byu campus isn't just cute, it's positively frighteningly adorable. good?.
.girl hay-tahs are the BEST.
.i love musicians that play and write and sing with passion.
.i keep finding myself shushing people (like close friends, not professors) when i don't like what they're saying. rude...where did i pick that up?.
.i always forget how many people fit in provo.
.i miss ratch.
.there should be sixteen days in a week. then dinner groups would be easy.
.the DR and brasil aren't even on the same PLANET this week.
.i will NEVER tire of dance pah-ties.
.i always get super anxious that someone's going to be decapitated when i see lots of surfers.
.have a pleasant day.

uncertain sideways streets, where things that don't match meet!

school starts ONE WEEK FROM TODAY.
and i'm SUPA excited. honestly. partly for school, but mostly cause all the new PEOPLE. at work, in classes, in the ward...i haven't even met my roommates yet. any of them.

i'm also RIDICULOUSLY excited for people to return to provo...some have been at home, some have been across the country worrrrking, some have just been visiting nice people and places since last week...but i am READY to have you all BACK.

:)

this is my last week at the skyroom, and of course it's without dee. lame. oh well. i will miss my dear dee (of course), porterrockwell, embly, jamie, and sam. well, mostly everyone. mostly. haha.

no matter what's happened in my life, how stupid or clever i've been, if i can look back a few months and say to myself "you know WHAT, you learned a lot. good job. keep going. you can do even better. and you did better than before." then i'm good.

i'm good.
come ooonnnnn september! i'm ready.

p.s.... awhile ago, i started a new phase, and began it with a picture of a sunrise. i think that phase is over. which is okay and great. but. just to show how much i love my DEE and to signify the termination:

srsly.

a: "I" BEFORE "E" EXCEPT AFTER "C" AND "V".
m: what? when does that apply with "v"?
a: receive. (in sincerity.)
m: (pause) there is no i ANYwhere after that "v"...
a: (pause) ohh....okay.

a:...and we can LIVE in a BEAUTIFUL SANCTUARY!!!
m:(pause) what? why would you...what?
a: well, i said sanctuary, but i meant cottage.

wm: go vote for your favorite chili!
f: i don't vote for the president, why would i vote for chili?

t: uuuugh i'm so tired.
m: i'm tired too, in fact i'd better eat my apple.

i feel so wonderful, i could yell!

el futbol. amusement park swings=best.
it's a HOT here. but we know what to do.
nobody, raise your voices.
yayyyyy for beautiful music.

bicycling on every wednesday evening...

i...really don't. i don't even know if i ever have. it's mostly been done every other day of the week, i think. haha.
anyway.

yesterday was our last real 236th summer semester ward activity. and guess what.
i was sad.

(i am aware, pretty much everything provokes some great emotion from me, which could mean you judge me to be dramatic...but if that bothers you, you should probably have stopped reading my blog by now. like, NOW. or i'm going to accidentally give you an ulcer, and i don't want that.)

I say to rachel (ratch), all the time, when I get upset about something "I wish I just didn't CARE." One time, she firmly, but kindly, said, "Missy, no you don't." And she's right, and I can't ever forget that. I'm never going to be good at saying goodbyes, but that's okay. If I'm ever in a state of not-missing-someone, either the second coming has occurred, or my heart has turned to stone. So. It's okay.
Also. I've felt a pretty constant feeling--especially since i started college--of frustration...that I'm always missing out on something. There's always somewhere else I could be, someone else I could be with, something else I could be doing. But, oh well. We have to make choices constantly in life, and as long as i don't repeatedly choose to sit home and do nothing, I'm going to have to be happy with whatever I'm doing.

SO. Since I've realized that I'm NEVER going to be able to do EVERYTHING that I wish I could, or I think I should, I should just chill out and be grateful for the things I HAVE done.

Sooooo.
thank you, my darling summer friends, (and eternal family) for helping me (since the beginning of May):
.live in the cutest, happiest, greatest ghetto apt EVER for four months with three of the BEST roomates,
.swwwwim,
.camp,
.have nice talks about everything i could possibly desire,
.be involved in the BEST ward with the BEST calling ever,
.make new friends,
.make better friends,
.read,
.enjoy otter pops and popsicles and snow cones and ice cream and un-cal-fro-yo and MOCHI,
.discover/experience lots of GREAT music,
.watch some old and new WONDERFUL films,
.try loooots of great cuisine,
.trust and be trusted,
.write happy letters,
.take happy photos,
.have fun at family gatherings,
.play at amusement parks,
.ride all over south provo on darling bicycles,
.browse the city biblioteca,
.enjoy porch sitting on summer afternoons and evenings and nights,
.shhhop,
.read lots of informative and some pointless magazine articles,
.attain more freckles and lightened hair from spending time in the ssssun,
.have bonfires. every time i remotely desired one,
.play at that freezing beautiful lake down the road,
.travel down that freezing beautiful river up the road,
.rrrroadtrip,
.looongboard,
.dance my heart out,
.overcome some secret and severely silly fears,
.play in the ocean,
.love urbanness,
.love suburbanness,
.utilize my sunglasses,
.have fun smelling drugs i'm not doing and sweaty people i don't know/attending excellent concerts,
.wear my favorite attire, over and over and over--tshirt and cutoffs/jeans,
.play with sparklers and fireworks,
.sleep in,
.laugh LOADS,
.get free breakfast,
.talk to important byu visitors and new zealanders,
.watch darling love sparks happen,
.cry for not sorrowful reasons,
.read excellent writing/see beautiful photos on bloooogs,
.LOVE,
.be loved,
.see GREAT things,
.gaze and wonder nightly at the BEAUTIFUL night sky,
.sing lots, with lots of talented guitarists and a couple ukuleleists,
.play a little bit of piano and ukulele and guitar...haha,
.help a little african's feet,
.deal with things i needed/need to,
.play nintendo,
.be creative,
.be artistic,
.express myself,
.watch some GREAT musicals,
.learn more about the gospel, people, the world, politics, government, ....lots of things,
.learn more about (by others' example): sacrifice, real love, selflessness, courage, patience, hard work, persistence, finding jooooy in all things...and so much more,
.experience joy and a special unity watching beautiful SOCCER,
.play soccer, frisbee, ultimate, and kickball,
.see a whole lacrosse game,
.enjoy countless gorgeous sunsets and other beautiful skies,
.learn lots of little slivers of languages,
.hear LOTS of awesome experiences in others' lives, especially about missions,
.and help me learn/remember a little better, who i am.

love you,
missy.

if it were mine, it would be yours to take.

i don't want to get married, right now. at ALL.

but. the thought, of a best friend, that will be with me, for forEVER, and won't go to a different school hours away, or leave me for a couple years, or forget about me 'cause they're in love with someone else, or move away, or move onto cooler friends, or whatever...

is SO appealing.

selfish, i am. annnnd that's why i've still got a FEW years before i figure out my tribe. and my future hussaband's. haha.

on a completely unrelated note, pleeeeeeease listen to this song.

unrealistic notion...

I always want to try and understand people, what motivates the things they do and say, the way they interact with others, why they make the goals they do...I think it originally came from trying to be friends with people that frustrated me, but now I just do it with everyone.

I think because of this, I've become terribly set on making a set picture of myself, everywhere I go. There's lots of different aspects of it, but a key part of this is that I want myself to be that friend, that you can go to, to talk to.

More than that. That girl, in the friend group, that everyone, especially the boys, can go to, to open up to about ANYthing. I learned in high school, that with most friend groups, the best way to do this is to not date anyone in the friend group. Never be interested in anyone, and make sure no one's ever interested in me. Obviously, because humans are human, I usually don't have a clean record on either of the last two accounts. However, for the most part, I've held true to the anti-dating policy. (And truthfully, I'm proud of it. I don't really care if I should be, but I personally have zero desire to be in thirty four relationships that don't work out, before I figure out my tribe. Even though dating is totally different than friendship, I think a LOT can be collected from friendships, about who I mean to/want to be, and who I want to marry.)

Although the occasional chick-flick, or facebook album of engagements causes little twinges of desire for that someone, I've survived quite nicely. Unfortunately, I've been running into something much worse that's made me question my vow of extremely-limited-dating-before-the-mission: real true live love. Hearing about, watching, and witnessing my dear friends and family experience heartbreak over a relationship that meant way more than someone to hold hands with, pretending so desperately that they're surviving alright when their fervent search for their "one and only" seems hopeless, and last of all, when they FIND that someone. and MARRY that someone.

My mother has lectured me for, literally, years about this role I place myself in. She doesn't know how purposeful it is, because I won't let her know. She doesn't want to see me in pain like [one of my relatives], who couldn't understand, for aWHILe, why she couldn't find her tribe. (it's cause...i think she had, but her... ultimate compatible tribe companion? this is getting hard, hahah....was still on a mission! and growing up a little.) Really though, it obviously worked out, sooo....I'll be fine.

and love is but an ocean...

it goes on. and on. and on.
love, i mean.

...i can't gather my thoughts, so that's all.

seriously.

"Missy, can I--WHAT! You're not like caring for a baby in here. Or pregnant! CARPET! Couches?? What!...Can I...Can I have the bleach?"
-temporary janitor of the lavatory

"If everyone was in ward choir, who would they sing to? It's just as important to have spectators."
-probably my favorite ward member

"That's why I don't like horses. They look nice, but inside they're evil."
-horse and boy hater

tell me what you know about dreams, dreams.

i'm not even going to go into that except...i do think dreams reflect what we've recently been thinking on, whether it's conscious or not. dreams are NOT random.

like my dream about pirates after i fell asleep after reading peter pan. so not random.
also probably means that i will be a pirate someday.
and fly.

ANYway. i've realized recently, i don't get bored anymore. i don't know why. i guess, if i don't feel content with my present activity, i change it by occupying myself with something else. or someone. but i still stay i'm bored all the time...out of habit i guess.

and i never do "nothing" anymore either. if i look like i'm sitting, doing nothing, without a book or notebook or a puppy or ipod, staring into space...i'm probably so terribly preoccupied with my thoughts that i can't concentrate on any visible activity.

what i'm trying to say...why? am i more easily satisfied? or have a found a way to be happy all the time in my life? (at least for the moment.)

list of things i've done in the last wk that COULD be boring but were WAY happy:
-making a scavenger hunt list while watching two halves of two movies
-playing mini-games on N64 over and over and over with one other person
-watching fiddler on the roof for the eight billionth time in my life
-going apt hunting in the blazing heat
-waiting in line for rides at lagoon with my fam
-lone walks
-talking. just talking. on couches, on a porch, on the grass...just TALK.
-organizing the pickchur wall
-sharing files

...maybe the secret is, to find the joy in the small things, instead of wishing for greater. why do i need to be wishing i was doing crazy things away from here? i'm happy. thankkkks. :)

the lights go on.

sooooo. i learned a lesson today. sometimes people can break rules, and get away with it, maybe cause sometimes that rule wasn't necessarily made for them, but stupid people who can't control themselves.

like, maybe bringing food, like a full, unlidded cup of cranberry juice, somewhere, like a carpeted school library, where you're not supposed to....


dang it. sorry harold.

whyyy do i need anyone else, when i can break the sky myself?

the last few years...or rather, since i can remember...i feel like my life has had a pretty steady pattern. something GREAT happens, then something ELSE that's GREAT then something ELSE til my life is positively golden with all these wonderful happenings and people and places. then when i can't get any higher on this cloud of awesomeness, i crrrrash. and something tests me. and i'm not happy. and i have to try to be. and it's a test. i think it's called...learning humility.

anyway, right now, i keep trying to tell myself i'll stay on this awesome streak til the end of the summer...but i don't even know if that's possible. cause it has been a ridiculously GREAT. month.

some things:

bonnnnfire!!
drrrive in!
sparklerrrrs! (HI!)
wedding! (helping the groom with the cufflinks and...buttonlinks?)
family babies!!
blast to the past!!

deer!

sunsetsss!

hmmmm. :)