why can't you see yourself as beautiful as i see you?

I want to say that to everyone. Because you are ALL so beautiful.
also:

"The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people." -Elizabeth Gilbert, eat pray love

I haven't seen the film, I'm just reading the book right now. And I love it.
I want to say I'd recommend it to everyone, but I don't. It was perfect for me, to help me realize how I think, how I live my life, and how I used to, and won't anymore. Everything from her adoration of the Italian language and food, to her habit of clinging to people she loves helped me dive into this book, nodding my head with perfect understanding at everything she said. Granted, I haven't been divorced, or traveled across the world, or lived on the upper east coast, but I could definitely relate. Okay I'm getting sidetracked. I'm just saying, it was a great book for me, but it has some language, and it does go on a bit about the depression. If you can't/don't want to handle that, then don't read it. :)

MY POINT: It's not about being the most accomplished or loved, the wealthiest or the smartest, the most attractive, or the most talented. LIFE is about bringing your own happiness to you in everything you do, finding peace in your storm of a life ("we're just a million little gods causin' rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust!" -af :)) and making good choices, and then you can fulfill your purpose, to live this life the best that you can, and help your brothers and sisters on the way. Of course, this is much easier for me to embrace than to practice, (especially when Little Brother starts his second hour of "America's Funniest Home Videos" and turns it up louder...) but I think I've at least gotten to a point of contentment, that I know my happiness depends on me, and no one else. And our Heavenly Father can ALWAYS help me find it, no matter how hard it is.

All I can listen to lately is the dear Avett brothers. (Partly because they're so mild...I can't listen to anything very loud these days, haha, which is so weird, but SUCH a blessing in preparation.) Their lyrics are so sincere and simple and happy, even the saddest songs have a deep understanding that there's a much greater purpose in all of this. I love them. I want to see them before I die, definitely.

I can't wait to be "swept away" by "a [boy] that I adore", but I have lots to do before then. So. There's that. And no, I don't have my call yet. I don't know why, (I mean, technically, yes, I know why, if you really want to know, I'll tell you...) but I'm okay with it. Really. Maybe now me and Marsh will get them together, which would be AWESOME. The best answer sometimes is: just don't worry about it. So I'm not worrying about it. And I'll tell you when it comes, kay? Kay.
LOVE. bye.

come on happy lovers.

i hate sleeping. and i hate that i have to sleep. my friend told me if he had a super power, it would be to not need sleep. (genius.)

okay, i love sleeping. i just hate taking the time to do it. i don't want to give into it til at least two, and i want it to be over by eight or nine.

but last niiiiight. sleep wouldn't visit til after three. and i had to be at work at six. i worked for ten hours, then, completely exhausted, came home and fell asleep. for six stupid hours. i didn't wake up til midnight. my last friday, spent working and sleeping.

DUMB.

i. am. bugged.

(okay, about way more than that, but i'm just going to channel all right through there.)

watch and become educated, do not make my mistake:

don't. sleep. ever.

if the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

over a year ago, when i first saw the "where the wild things are" trailer, i got obsessed. SURPRISE. i never do that. anyway. i watched the trailer...quite a few times. and the more i thought about "wake up" being the song used in it, (the trailer, not the movie) the more i was confused. if one hears that^ line, used in the preview, they may think it was a peter panesque line. but it's not. neon bible has lots of lines about imagination and the beauty of childhood, but funeral is about death, and the realization of hard things in life, how we must deal with them, and grow. why would that be used in a preview for a child's movie, i wondered.

Anyway, the movie finally came out, and I didn't see it. and I didn't see it, and I didn't see it...I'm not really sure why...it seems I was just always with those who weren't going to see it, when my other friends were seeing it...I was unlucky...I don't know. Anyway, after over a year of anticipation, I finally watched the film last night. I'd heard tons of reviews, mostly confusing, so I was ready for anything.

I loved it. I couldn't stop analyzing the whole time...I hate when I'm ever a Judith, grumpy and negative and rude, not even the most realistic, just the most rude. I want to be the loveable Douglas, who never causes contention, and everyone loves, but even the Douglases get hurt sometimes...sometimes it's the innocent ones that get hurt the most. Every character in the movie portrayed different aspects of human nature...in everyone. Maybe certain traits/weaknesses/strengths pop up more in some than others, but we all have been in all of their places. One of my favorite characters was Max...the sweet boy who wants to make everything better, but doesn't know how. But no one knows how, no one's perfect in this life, (except for one was, of course) so we've all just got to struggle and try, and accept and learn from failure when it comes. What I loved, and what made my heart ache, the most about Max was the way he tried to pretend his problems didn't exist, his insecurities, his troubles, his sadnesses, and run around and have a "wild rumpus". I think I'm severely guilty of that. The thought of finishing school, getting married, growing up, having CHILDREN....terrrrifies me. Of course I'm excited for it. But. I have to get in every last moment of youth and fun and immaturity before it comes. And it often exhausts me. In many ways. That's why Max went home, because he knows he can't run away. From anything. It just doesn't work. That's one thing he's got on me, and Carol, who I think I'm the most like. One step behind everyone in reality, can't get over the fact KW is changing. (hates change.) Can't get over the fact the life isn't happy all the time, and wishes it would be. I think I've at least gotten to the point that I'm grateful for hard things, because I know it makes me grow, whereas I don't think Carol would be/is. Then poor Alexander, who's often hurt and ignored. NO ONE wants to be him. And no one likes to admit that we're ever him. But we all are. Sometimes. And that's okay. beCAUSE the point of the story is that Max goes HOME. To his MOM/family. And he's sorry about his tantrum, and he's ready to accept some hard things and move on. And not only is Mom waiting, she has dinner for him. And chocolate cake. I'm not saying literally every time you have a bad day you need to literally go home to your mother, I'm just saying EVERYONE needs SOMEONE. We're all mortal. And we all have problems. We all need to find those we love that can help us calm down and stop playing with the wild things, and running away, and face our issues and grow up.

Listen to "Wake Up" again. "We're just a million little gods causin' rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust. I guess we'll just have to adjust!" It's actually incredibly perfect for a trailer of the film.

No one's perfect. It's okay. We all have time to work on it. That's the point of this life. I love that film. I love Maurice Sendak and Spike Jonze and Max Records and Karen O for building this incredible piece of art, (with thousands of other people) triggering this analysis of my life. And for making all of us that have seen/will see the film feel that uncomfortable, but cleansing feeling when we realized we're looking in a figurative mirror. Which we weren't expecting. But we need it, all the same.

sleeping is giving in!

but only a little. you do need some sleep.

especially me. sorry, body.

anyway. i was really tired last night, but i chose to watch a movie...again...instead of going to sleep, and i had the weirdest/funniest experience. when the movie was done, a fellow friend watching it asked me about a detail in the middle, and i laughed and said i'd been sleeping the whole time, didn't he notice? and he replied YES, you kept snoring!

of course, i was embarrassed, and insisted i don't snore. (i really don't know if i regularly snore at night, because anyone that shares a room with me usually goes to bed before me and wakes up the same time as or after me, so...haha.) it may have just been because i was so severely lacking in sleep...haha. doesn't matter. anyway.

as i thought about the weird on and off sleep i'd collected during the film, i remembered hearing obnoxious snoring, that wouldn't stop, and i couldn't tell where it was coming from, but i just wanted it to STOP so i could SLEEP. the loud fakey soundy snore he described i had, was exactly what i heard.

WHAT. how is that even possible? i don't know. but ...that's hilarious. and i need more sleep. hahahahha.

lucid dreaming?