they say you gotta lose a couple fights to win...

 i'm done! i'm not not going to school anymore, working, living in kaysville, waiting for stuff to happen.

woooooow. (said like scott pilgrim/michael cera, please) i can't remember the last time i was this excited. and i feel so different. like, over big stretches of time, it's easy/interesting to see how i've changed, but i feel like i've changed and changed and changed just over the past...well, semester. (it doesn't really make sense to call it that, cause i wasn't in school, but it's exactly that stretch of time. :) )

I'm  supposed to talk on the resurrection tomorrow, and i'm having a hard time focusing on one thing, because there are so many GREAT events in the gospel around Easter.

(YESSSS. mom's not putting celery in the sandwiches. you're welcome, everyone that's going to eat one tomorrow. me and ashley definitely fought for that one. anyway.)

Everything is centered around it! The great faith of those who patiently waited, and had faith, and followed Christ, even if they never saw Him during their life on earth. Isn't that most of us? It is hard, I suppose, to believe in something so much, if we've never literally seen it, or experienced it, but. That's what this life is about! Having faith and persevering and making it work. Because Christ did come and atone for our sins, He was resurrected, and He will come again.

So much LOVE in my heart right now. Which is also what the gospel's totally about. We have this process of repentance through the atonement given to us because our Heavenly Father loves us, and wants us to be happy, and wants us to return to Him. And our Elder Brother volunteered Himself out of love.

i love my excellent friends i've grown up with, from birth to high school, and i love all the wonderful times i've had in this adorable county with them. i love all my baby missionaries, most of whom are getting home this summmmer, and i'm so excited for all of them and their families and friends! :) i love all my wonderful friends i've met in the places i've worked. sometimes those are the most awesome friends, because they're literally made through hard work. i love all my darling cawledge friends and all the crazy adventures we've had, and long talks, and grooowing experiences. and i love my family, most of all. SOOOO much. they are soooo wonderful and great and hilarious and awesome.

and MOST of all, i love my Father in Heaven. and that is why i'm leaving all these wondypants people for eighteen months. so that i can help bring happiness to the lives of many other people i'll come to love.

best wall paper ever, right? i'll miss it.

i'm. so. exciiiittttteeeeed.

nothin's gonna change my mind! (i'm travelin a different highway.)

nothin short of thaaankful.

Hey guess what. I'm leaving on a mission. Una semana from Wednesday.
I'm...going on a mission.
Finally.
I'm severely happy about it.

The last few months have been...crazy. Seriously, I'm nothing short of thaaankful. I had an awesome job at the perfect time, my hilarious wonderful family at home with me, dearest old friends from Kaysville, and of course my darlings an hour south in Provo.

I visited them (Provo darlings) this last week, and it was GREAT. (I missed some, but, that happens. I saw the majority, which was excellent.) I literally fell asleep in tears a few nights, so overjoyed for these darling people in my life.

Friends. Are such a blessing in life. (I'm not excluding my family in this, they're some of my top bffs, obviously. :) )

"Acts of a friend should result in self-improvement, better attitudes, self-reliance, comfort, consolation, self-respect, and better welfare. Certainly the word friend is misused if it is identified with a person who contributes to our delinquency, misery, and heartaches. When we make a man feel he is wanted, his whole attitude changes." -Elder Marvin J. Ashton

My friends have TOTES (hahha. totes.) done this for me.

I want to tell stories about how each of these great people I said seeyalater (not goodbye, NEVER goodbye) to this week effected my life, but then this blog would never end. I just have to tell you. Today I was watching the Faith in Christ video (if you haven't watched it, please do.) with my fam, and it made me think, Jesus Christ is our example in everything, and He was always such a good friend. He wasn't just a wonderful leader, and example, and brother and son, He was a wonderful friend. To so so sooo many people.
I want to always be that. (I mean, obviously I can't be nearly as good a friend as He was, but, that's what I aim to be, a good friend. yes.) I hope I have been. I will try to be better. I can't think of one time in my life that I've been having a hard time, and I haven't had a friend reach out and help me up. And Christ is always that friend. Oh man. I love the gospel. And The Church. And definitely my big brother Jesus Christ.

So, thanks. Friends. :)

Granted, this hug was definitely silly, (captured by Cass, haha thanks!aaaand my face is pink from laughter, not tears, DON'T worry) but. whudev. You think it's cute. I can tell.

(don't worry. this is not the end. i'm posting my address(es) friday.)

daaa da. daaa da da. daaa...

Welp. This day was great.
And I made this:

Also, I decided to start using my phone again last night, after mostly not for like two weeks (I'd just been with the fam and writing LOTSA letters...haha) and it was weird. Happy, but weird.
That's all.
Love.

he might never see her again.

hahah. the title is just an excuse to quote the avetts, it has zero to...okay lie. i have been wondering a lot lately if i'll be friends with any of my baby missionaries when we both back. all of them. i hope so. every one of them.

(I KNOW. I'M OBSESSING. SORRY. IT WILL PROB'LY ALL BE OKAY. YEP. SURE. KAY.)

GUESS WHAT (sorry, forgot it was on, but i refuse to go back...) missy's doing tomorrow! she's going to california!!!!!!! to southern california!!!!! before missy leaves!!!! to live on the ocean for a few days. :) soooooo happy.
well actually. missy will only make it to st. geezy tomorrow. but it's the first leg of da journey, otay?

i will swim. and eat. and LAUGH. because THIS vacation, i won't be sad (and pretending not to be) about something happening in my life. cause i'm just HAPPY!!!

(also, guess what. second to baby brother, just got his mission call to OREGON!!! eugene. so there's like three missions between us. but that's not the point. CRAZY!! and so GREAT. yesssss.)

jkl;fdsakl;afdskln;fdsa

oh hey. eepud's broken, so i was wondering what i should do. i should WRITE, duh. hahha. silly missy.


ooh ooh equation.
+
=

(missy+ocean=no, not equals the brothers avett, equals THE BEST!)

real life is more than just two hours long.

oh man.
annnnd their accents are beyond adorable.
i'm definitely okay with dating someone from NC that plays the banjo/guitar like that, in a couple years.
but really. they're such good men, married and solid and they have so much faith and hope in life, and they're so REAL.
just listen.

baby i'm worried too.

hmmmm. my relief at being done with TINs was too soon. yucky monday.

but it has been lightened by the dear Avett Brothers (who i MUST see live before i die) that have the best way of saying, well, singing, everything.



annnd i must say, i have the best of friends. :) (especially including my little MISSIONARY besties. awww. i and love and them.)



also, i love the church. because this and this. (my little brother's best friend/best friend's little brother is in Japan, so yes one of my first thoughts was the missionaries. but he's not in sendai or tokyo, and he's fine, don't worry.)

also. you can help! just donate $5 to the Red Cross. We can all afford that. Just click here or donate on iTunes, it's super easy. Or one of these sites, some of them are matching donations. I'm supa poor and i did it! :)


kay. i'm grateful i'm not worrying about radiation or being drowned or my house being destroyed or the whereabouts/safety of my family. being bored by TINs seems really silly now. sorry about that.

Keep Japan in your prayers! happy monday. bybye.

you swept me away.

welp. about one year ago, i started this blog. and in about six weeks, it's going to die. but it was nice.

my heart's almost tired from all the love that's gushed out for

my sibs
my padres
my cousins
my grandparents
my aunts and uncles
my nephew
my bests
my friends
my leaders
my roomies
kids from kaysville/fh/f-ington/layton
kids [living in] provo
far-away missionaries
far-away anyone
my ward(s)
my neighbors
my schoolmates
my leaders (religious, scholastic, government..al?)

...a lot of people.
but it can't be tired. because the more i, or rather one, loves, the more love one has. and i get to go love a whole lot of washingtonians i've never met in just a little while.
and i couldn't be more excited. it is a very important thing, to everyone, to love, and be loved. i think President Monson puts it well:
go love someone.
also, i love you.

why can't you see yourself as beautiful as i see you?

I want to say that to everyone. Because you are ALL so beautiful.
also:

"The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people." -Elizabeth Gilbert, eat pray love

I haven't seen the film, I'm just reading the book right now. And I love it.
I want to say I'd recommend it to everyone, but I don't. It was perfect for me, to help me realize how I think, how I live my life, and how I used to, and won't anymore. Everything from her adoration of the Italian language and food, to her habit of clinging to people she loves helped me dive into this book, nodding my head with perfect understanding at everything she said. Granted, I haven't been divorced, or traveled across the world, or lived on the upper east coast, but I could definitely relate. Okay I'm getting sidetracked. I'm just saying, it was a great book for me, but it has some language, and it does go on a bit about the depression. If you can't/don't want to handle that, then don't read it. :)

MY POINT: It's not about being the most accomplished or loved, the wealthiest or the smartest, the most attractive, or the most talented. LIFE is about bringing your own happiness to you in everything you do, finding peace in your storm of a life ("we're just a million little gods causin' rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust!" -af :)) and making good choices, and then you can fulfill your purpose, to live this life the best that you can, and help your brothers and sisters on the way. Of course, this is much easier for me to embrace than to practice, (especially when Little Brother starts his second hour of "America's Funniest Home Videos" and turns it up louder...) but I think I've at least gotten to a point of contentment, that I know my happiness depends on me, and no one else. And our Heavenly Father can ALWAYS help me find it, no matter how hard it is.

All I can listen to lately is the dear Avett brothers. (Partly because they're so mild...I can't listen to anything very loud these days, haha, which is so weird, but SUCH a blessing in preparation.) Their lyrics are so sincere and simple and happy, even the saddest songs have a deep understanding that there's a much greater purpose in all of this. I love them. I want to see them before I die, definitely.

I can't wait to be "swept away" by "a [boy] that I adore", but I have lots to do before then. So. There's that. And no, I don't have my call yet. I don't know why, (I mean, technically, yes, I know why, if you really want to know, I'll tell you...) but I'm okay with it. Really. Maybe now me and Marsh will get them together, which would be AWESOME. The best answer sometimes is: just don't worry about it. So I'm not worrying about it. And I'll tell you when it comes, kay? Kay.
LOVE. bye.

the footprints over the snow

IT SNOWED.

i love snow. did you know that? and i love to snowboard. and sled. and tube. and sit in the snow in waterproof clothing. and throw sticky snowballs at windows. i just don't like being cold. so i wear layers. no, i am not a polar bear because i grew up in utah, i just learned how to layer. no more questions about that now, please.


i'm done. i just walked out of my last final, and i stopped, and had a flashback from freshman year, as most of my best friends during april finals, would say: this is my last paper for two years, this is my last final for two years, my last class for two years...you get the point.


i said to myself: missy, you're done. for TWO YEARS.


what's up.


:)


p.s. my deferment papers are my bookmark in Peter Pan. perfect.

unrealistic notion...

I always want to try and understand people, what motivates the things they do and say, the way they interact with others, why they make the goals they do...I think it originally came from trying to be friends with people that frustrated me, but now I just do it with everyone.

I think because of this, I've become terribly set on making a set picture of myself, everywhere I go. There's lots of different aspects of it, but a key part of this is that I want myself to be that friend, that you can go to, to talk to.

More than that. That girl, in the friend group, that everyone, especially the boys, can go to, to open up to about ANYthing. I learned in high school, that with most friend groups, the best way to do this is to not date anyone in the friend group. Never be interested in anyone, and make sure no one's ever interested in me. Obviously, because humans are human, I usually don't have a clean record on either of the last two accounts. However, for the most part, I've held true to the anti-dating policy. (And truthfully, I'm proud of it. I don't really care if I should be, but I personally have zero desire to be in thirty four relationships that don't work out, before I figure out my tribe. Even though dating is totally different than friendship, I think a LOT can be collected from friendships, about who I mean to/want to be, and who I want to marry.)

Although the occasional chick-flick, or facebook album of engagements causes little twinges of desire for that someone, I've survived quite nicely. Unfortunately, I've been running into something much worse that's made me question my vow of extremely-limited-dating-before-the-mission: real true live love. Hearing about, watching, and witnessing my dear friends and family experience heartbreak over a relationship that meant way more than someone to hold hands with, pretending so desperately that they're surviving alright when their fervent search for their "one and only" seems hopeless, and last of all, when they FIND that someone. and MARRY that someone.

My mother has lectured me for, literally, years about this role I place myself in. She doesn't know how purposeful it is, because I won't let her know. She doesn't want to see me in pain like [one of my relatives], who couldn't understand, for aWHILe, why she couldn't find her tribe. (it's cause...i think she had, but her... ultimate compatible tribe companion? this is getting hard, hahah....was still on a mission! and growing up a little.) Really though, it obviously worked out, sooo....I'll be fine.

and love is but an ocean...

it goes on. and on. and on.
love, i mean.

...i can't gather my thoughts, so that's all.

i won't look back anymore, i left the people that do, it's not the chase that i love, it's me following you!

If you're having a ...confused, unhappy, questionable, missing, unsettling...less-than-perfect day, and you can't...think, listen to sufjan. i could NOT concentrate yesterday, until i started. additionally, i've been thinking about what a dear nathan said last night about music...how sensitive he is to it.

the reason i cry so much is because i love to let everything in. if i feel like anything...a movie, a song, a sentence, a look, an action, a conversation, had love and effort and passion placed into it by the creator, i'll give it a chance. sometimes i shut myself off, because it's more comfortable, but how can i live my life with my eyes half-open? so i opened them last night as nathan's choice of beautiful french music washed over me, and i went home and listened to some sufjan and worked on my paper, and cried, haha, and went to bed. and now, as i reflect over people and things and experiences and everything that i've learned this year, i can do it with my eyes open, and without that uncomfortable anxious feeling. i'm so grateful to so many wonderful people that helped me, whether they live in my ward, or in provo, or in kaysville, or in logan, or ...the DR, Brazil, CA, Canada, NY ...and i wouldn't take anything back.

i'm really glad i feel like this beFORE finals, so i'll be able to concentrate finally, and stop feeling anxious and unhappy and wanting this semester to end...haha.

anyway. thanks, everybody.
i hate sunrises. i also have a rather difficult time embracing change. but i'm doing that right now. hence, the picture.

oh, also, that WHOLE line^ in kick drum heart totally applies to me.
i'm excited for the future. for my life. for new things. and for development of other things. i'm not chasing someone i'm in love with, i'm chasing life.

are you aware the shape i'm in? my hands they shake, my head it spins.

hmmmm.
i'm having difficulty expressing what i want to say, pretty much entirely from lack of sleep, which i don't recommend.
well...not that i'd go back and do this week a different way. but.
okay. firstly, i am eternally grateful Tucker B. Johnson is my friend. because i adore him, completely, overall, AND last night, he changed my life a little...but seriously.
i must first explain.
my dear friends came up with this idea that we should start having "listening parties" in which we sit/lay down and listen to an entire album, from beginning to end, with no talking. just appreciating the music that these artist took time to write, the lyrics they made, and the overall idea/theme of the album.
Tucker was the first to host, and did the whole thing so beautifully...i was reminded why music is so important to me...for so many reasons. and his album: the avett brothers, i and love and you.
i totally cried the second half of the album. an activity i think pretty much everyone that reads this knows i participate in probably too often.
but.
it was a beautiful experience.

also, it was SO perfect cause i TOTALLY (totes) had a discussion with a certain someone about how important it is to tell people we love them the day before.
WIN.

watch this. please.

awesomeness

and if you can take the time...listen to the album. the whooole thing.
let it change your life a little. :)