horsemessersmithtraceguthrie...

one of my gifts today was an itunes gift card. last year, i got 30$ worth, and i still ended up spending some of my money. i love getting a few songs from lots of bands, tasting lots of things, savoring, exploring...i love it. a lot. more than food and clothes and movies and other worldly things. music is by far my favorite.

but i just got on to redeem it and...everything sounds the same. i like it, but i don't really care. i'm not dying to buy/find/get every album, to blast it/plug in my headphones/show someone.

i don't care.

i don't even remember the last time i felt indifferent to music. i think it's because it's never happened. i can always find something to satisfy my craving. because yes, it's an addiction.

it's a blessing. it's a shock, but a blessing. happy christmas.

i'm building a sill...

to slooooow down the time.
shut up, ted.

today was grEAT.

i got to listen to HOURS of bright eyes and woodsy things, listening totally and completely, without feeling guilty.
i got to experience the feeling of having a job that pays more than minimum wage, AND i wasn't stressing about wrong orders/food running out/something burning!
i had delightful lunch with delightful people.
there was snow.
the season finale of psych scared me. (i don't know if that's a good thing for me, but i suppose it was properly executed, which is great for them.)
i wore my red cardigan.
no one gave me grief about wearing my hair up.
no one made fun of me for going to BYU. i was definitely in Ute territory, and at least three people said things like "how nice" and "good for you" in sincerity.
i passed the drug test.

two things i did not like that i must mention:
i had to pee into a cup.
i viewed some "america's funniest home videos".

i'm not going to lie, i'm purposely blogging a lot.

but really, i felt like time was slowed down today. i didn't waste any time, which felt great, i was super sleepy, so things felt kinda surreal, and i just slowly savored my day. that's the best way to say goodbye, i think. :)

If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do...

...if there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.

i love that song, so much. and i love the way it makes me feel. i love the way my heart aches for people and things i miss, happy experiences i've had, things i hope to happen in the future.

but i don't love the way my heart aches over hateful things i couldn't/can't change. it feels like a rotten nasty lump in me that might shrink, or be ignored, but feels like it'll never disappear. fun reminder of that today. oh well. anyway.

christmas is the BEST. and since finals have existed, i always leave my shopping til the very last second, which proves to be difficult when i still insist on the most BOMB presents for my famfam, who are da best.

but it always works out. and it's always the most wonderful feeling to see their happy surprised faces.

YAY CHRITHMATH!
let's go watch the grinch.

humorous exchanges.

names changed.

Carol: R! SSSSSSTUDY.
R: Hey! In three thousand years, is it going to matter if I talked to my future wife, or if I got an A on this test? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Lorraine: When're you going to practice, GARY?
Gary: When're you going to shower, LORRAINE?

Haston: ...And FYI, Nyquil doesn't knock ducks out.
Johncth: Tums. Does the trick.

the footprints over the snow

IT SNOWED.

i love snow. did you know that? and i love to snowboard. and sled. and tube. and sit in the snow in waterproof clothing. and throw sticky snowballs at windows. i just don't like being cold. so i wear layers. no, i am not a polar bear because i grew up in utah, i just learned how to layer. no more questions about that now, please.


i'm done. i just walked out of my last final, and i stopped, and had a flashback from freshman year, as most of my best friends during april finals, would say: this is my last paper for two years, this is my last final for two years, my last class for two years...you get the point.


i said to myself: missy, you're done. for TWO YEARS.


what's up.


:)


p.s. my deferment papers are my bookmark in Peter Pan. perfect.

it's only change, and i'm only changing...

i've heard it a million times, and so have you:

yeah, i hated that area, but by the time i was transferred, i was so sad, cause i'd grown to love it.

i thought she was so obnoxious, but then we had to work together, and we got really close, by the time the class was over, i was sad i didn't see her anymore.

i had to work with him everyday, and at first he drove me crazy, but i grew to like him by the end, and i missed him after i left.

et cetera.

you start out in a situation, and it's hard. it's unhappy, you don't know what to do with yourself, you want everything to be "just like it used to be". you acknowledge that it won't, then you go to work. and it's difficult, but you see a change that grows and grows until suddenly, the situation you've been complaining about is now creating most of the happiness in your life.

by the time we're comfortable, we have to move on, so we can grow some more.

i finally am comfortable in provo. i don't just have friends, or fun, but it's my home. last night i had my last (maybe? probably.) sunday chat with ...probably my best non-gibson friend in provo... and it was surreal. we talked about the way we became friends, which is kinda crazy. lots of things happened that put us in the right place at the right time...and not all happy things. mostly not happy things, actually. but we both chose to make the best of things, and now, he's truly and honestly like the big brother i've never had. but of course, because we're only pseudo-siblings, we have to say goodbye now, and i don't know where we're both going to be in two years. but that's okay. we're leaving each other better, and i will never forget our friendship.

i'm going to miss my big brother, my best friends, my ward family, byu, provo, and living in the same city with four of my real siblings, but. i'm so excited for this next step.


goodbye provo, hello kaysville.


oh and p.s....it's almost christmas. be excited. :)
(official christmas tree of allred twelve, thanks going to my dear miss cassandra.)

come on happy lovers.

i hate sleeping. and i hate that i have to sleep. my friend told me if he had a super power, it would be to not need sleep. (genius.)

okay, i love sleeping. i just hate taking the time to do it. i don't want to give into it til at least two, and i want it to be over by eight or nine.

but last niiiiight. sleep wouldn't visit til after three. and i had to be at work at six. i worked for ten hours, then, completely exhausted, came home and fell asleep. for six stupid hours. i didn't wake up til midnight. my last friday, spent working and sleeping.

DUMB.

i. am. bugged.

(okay, about way more than that, but i'm just going to channel all right through there.)

watch and become educated, do not make my mistake:

don't. sleep. ever.

la verdad.

this. is what my front yard looked like when i woke up.
just kidding. hahah. zero snow. and it's warm enough to be october.
reason number 894 i would never go to byu-i or usu. :D

also:
true things (they must be. they MUST be.)

if you're speaking a language other than english in the library, no one can hear you.
if you make a joke about provo/mormons that grew up or live in utah/the "mrs." degree at least a hundred times, it beCOMES funny.
if you pretend you don't know someone often enough, they forget they know you.
if one speaks english in spanish class everyday, his (or her) class/professor will stop caring, and just let you do it.
tons and tons of people buy lysol after they hear those ads that play on playlist DURING your music over and over.
once i move back to kaysville, it will become equally excellent as provo.
aaaaaand:
if i get distracted enough, my paper will finish itself.

don't you evah, get too comfTAble. lemme catch my breath!

dang it. i love coming back to old, wonderful songs.

this. weekend. was. the BEST. and i super planned out one day, and let the other two happen, and they were PERFECT. even the awkward parts. like our bathroom ceiling sagging slowly to our destruction. hahhaha...but seriously.

change is really awesome. the ability to find new beginnings in so many different places, in so many different ways, is incredible. and even though we usually aren't in love with it, our incredible ability to change is beautiful. about every three months i've had in provo have felt like a completely different phase, and experience. i love this place, partly because the people and places i associate with are so open to my attempt to change, to refine myself, to stand back up when i slip. they may remember my past faults, but i'm not condemned for them. who i spend most of my time with is constantly changing and slipping, and what i do with these people. it's incredibly refreshing. a significant time marker just passed, of a sad day one year ago, last week. i brought it up with a dear friend, and the reflection felt like an ocean. there's no way i could imagine how much could have happened. so many things were pulled out from under my feet over the past twelve months, i kept climbing back up, and i was rewarded a thousand times over.

although the title^ was referring to a SEEYICK mash-up i've become re-obsessed with, it has a (n ironically) perfect eloquence of expression with my feelings of reflection. sitting on a shelf will never help us progress. each step of life should have new, more intimidating challenges. as long as we work hard, we'll learn. we're learning beings, and if we don't take advantage of it, we're hurting ourselves. it's nice to be comfortable, but it's better to grow. Neverland is such a nice thing to think about, but if we let the actual concept into our lives, we'll be stuck in a sad cycle of saying goodbye to our progressing, growing friends like peter. i hate being on that end of a farewell.

kay. i have to go be a writer. great.

love.

oh also...i love this. and them. :)