i love being honest with myself.

welp. this is my fifth publishing of blogposts today, thank you. some of ...most of the emotions and opinions i ranted about in those unposted blogs, i do not feel today, or in this present time in general, but it was still liberating.

p.s. i love provo. dang it.

i'm thankful:
for pretty much every late night this summer, and this fall
for everyone in my ward
for my bests
for my fam
for other people's birthdays
for beautiful cinema
for pumpkin pie
for homemade mashed potatoes
for library visits with the summer crew
for porch chats at both of those houses i adore
for missions and missionaries
for letters
for skaters
for spanish
for MUSIC
for snow
for automobiles
for escuela
for hats
for literature
for the gospel
for my parents
for long walks
for bike rides
for ice cream
aaaand for the heartache some of these things, and all the people that keep openly/verbally dreading my departure, are causing me.

p.p.s. a friend made a perfect analogy today: right now, at this point, i feel like i'm a driver in mario cart, trying to dodge bananas and bombs and shells, at the same time maneuver my vehicle so i stay on the road, and avoid hitting other vehicles, and drive as quickly as i can, so everything will turn out well. this was exciting at the beginning [of the semester], but now the level's getting really hard, and i'm sick of playing, and i don't know how everything's going to turn out...

alabama arkansaaaaaas.

i love covers, and i love remixes. i think this could be a reflection of the way i think, and live; i don't like to leave beautiful things of the past behind, i like to revisit them. however, if it's in a new light, with new people, an "up-dated" version of my experience, if you will, it's even better!

i love ben lee's cover of modest mouse's float on.

i love jason mraz's cover of bob marley's one love.

i love the "across the universe" covers of the beatles' let it be, i've just seen a face, because, and all you need is love.

i love the kooks' cover of ace of base's all that she wants.

i love the thrice cover of the beatles' eleanor rigby.

i love vitamin string quartet's cover of my chemical romance's helena.

i love the shins' cover of the postal service's we will become silhouettes.

i love death cab's cover of this charming man.

and i love pretty much every cover and remix of kids by mgmt: the kooks, chiddy bang, ben lee...and mgmt's own remix. (which i may be listening to right now and trying SO hard to hold still, in the library...failing...dp toNIZZight...anyway.)

then all of daft punk's alive 2007, especially harderbetterfasterstrongeraroundtheworld.

then there's the freaking hood internet (mashup remixes): two weeks of hip hop, giving up the sunshowers, back that sleepyhead up, rude baptism, comfortable up here, can you hear my kids now...i think you get the point.

that's how i think of life too. i like re-visiting memories, people, and places, and mixing it with my new life. that is why, i am sincerely excitement to move home in less than a month. new and old and love and GREAT.

AND, spacker's back...there's that.

annnnnnd, the point of the title: my favorite remix right now, below.

(no, i do not prefer it. blasphemous. but. i loooooooove.)
also, you can download it from them, for free, here.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS.

i didn't think i was acting terribly stressed, but both of my professors i've talked to today gave me a looked that screamed sympathy and a desire to pat me on the head (and asked me if i'm alright/stated i seem tired). truthfully, i feel like a ball. a ball of ice, that is hollow, and the outside is so thin, i don't know how in the world it's staying together. rocks and flames are beating at it, trying to make it collapse. but the fragile contents inside cannot be compromised, so the ice must resist.

no matter how much i sleep, my comprehension level is almost non-existent, and my short term memory is SUFfering. every time i talk to my mom, i can't see, for the wall of tears. i'm not sure how i'll make it through this week, all i want to do is write letters to those doing what i'm not. yet.

then i opened an email from a most certainly inspired man.

one more month, then this part's over. i can dooo it!

i'm grateful for: email.


and this/them.

in a year or year or so, this will slip into the sea.

today was great. also,

i have a LOT of unposted blogs. and to be honest, about half of them are because i'm too scared to post them, not because they're too personal.

a dear friend once reprimanded me for this, and i vowed i would post them, someday. because no one really cares. just me. i think i will post them all at once... before the end of the year. they might offend. oh well. i'm getting really bad about being aware of social niceties. i'm ready to go home. then leave and serve. :)

have the BEST monday evening, ever.

love.

i feel weird.

it's odd for me, blogging now, 'cause even though i know other people read...it felt like i was mostly blogging for myself and rachie. so now i'm mostly blogging for myself? haha.

also, it is true:
dancing gives one more endorphins than...anything.
yesterday i was considerably stressed, i had like four hours to do like seven hours worth of activities, and i ran home to eat, and i was met by a wall of excellent sound blasting from everywhere, and dear friends dancing in the middle of it. i danced for maybe two minutes, but it was so excellent.

i love thursdays, because:
the weekend has already (sneakily) begun
dinner club is usually crazy
30 Rock is on
i only have two classes
i get to sleep in
tuesday AND wednesday are over
i don't have creative writing
i usually skip spanish (for mental health reasons...i will go crazy if i go every day. period.)
i get tomato basil soup (okay that was just yesterday. thanks maaaam. :) )

aaaaaand no one ever watches videos on anyone's blog blah blah blah (well, i do. so here.)

also, this is FUHnny.

life IS wonderful.

"...It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful..."
-Jason Mraz, "Life is Wonderful" on Mr. A-Z
this, honestly, has been one of the best days in awhile. it feels like christmas i'm so happy. mostly, because my bestie friendie rachelface barney entered the mtc.

missions, are soooo, GREAT.
and i was finally able to really embrace that, and be happy for rachel (and julia) last night. it was really happy and chill, hardly any tears, saying goodbye. :)

kay...i'm not doing the grateful thing, cause there is no way i'd remember to blog everyday. but i have to make a little list. right now.
.all the people in my life...and no longer in my life.
homeward, homestake, neighbors, teachers, schoolmates, high school friends, freshman year friends, sophomore year friends, every summer ever friends, junior year friends, work friends, church leaders, every best friend i've had/have, and of course, most of all, my FAMILY.
.the gospel.
i'm so grateful to have the truth in my life, to have guidance through everything i do, to be involved in the church, an organization so awesome and inspired, to know of Christ and His love, and the atonement, and our Heavenly Father, and His plan, and His love....
.an education.
as much of a brat i am about it...i love learning. and i'm very grateful for the opportunity, and for the school i'm able to attend, and for my family in helping me make it here, and stay here. I love BYU, honor code included. :)
.my life.
.music.
.love. (all kinds)
.snow.
.clothes.
.smiles.
.good food.
.funny people.
.computas.
.cell phones.
.shoes.
.sports. (like futbol and snooowboarding...)
.soap.
.showers.
.the postal service. (like, the real one. but i love ben gibbard too.)
.having a roof over my head.
.living in a democratic, capitalistic, mostly open-minded nation.
.being able to see, smell, speak, hear, taste, and touch.
.growing up in cute kaysville.
.the fact we can all say sorry.
.forgiveness.
.humility.
.marriage.
.the innocence of children.
.the incredible power of laughter.
.my momma and dad.
.pokemon. (if you were born between '88 and '92, IT WAS COOL.)

also...i just discovered this. and i love the way his sweet voice captures the song in such a different way than dear glen hansard...

ऊऊके.

इ कैन'टी रीड हिन्दू। बुत इफ यू कैन, हेल्लो!

हहह्हा।
इ ऍम ग्रातेफुल फॉर पोपले...व्हो व्रिते ठिर ब्लोग्स इन हिन्दू। एंड मदे थिस डे एवें फुन्निएर।

ठनक यू, अनोंय्मोउस परसों।

up and up i keep on climbing!

yes. for real. yes. this is kanye.

aaaand:

m: i wouldn't be able to marry someone that dresses terribly, because i wouldn't be attracted to him in the first place!

r: (exasperated, then suddenly excited) okay, what if you were in a play. and he only wore nice clothes, in the play. HA!

(hypothetically recovering from thinking a muskrat costume was that of a kitten.)

g: i shoulda known by the tail. i shoulda known by the skat.

(discussing what should be done about the absolute lack of fear in the deer on campus)

k: someone needs to take a knife and stab one of them!

everyone: (quiet, confusion)

someone: why??

k: well, to show them that we're dangerous!

l: what is it called when you have to do something?

e: commitment?

l: oh yes, that.

g: (out of NOWHERE, peaks head around the corner) wait, who's not sexually active??

(professor forbids any stupid cliche poetry from being turned in at the end of the term)

d: well, there goes my portfolio!

p: all those butterfly poems!

g: son of a!

i love funny people. i couldn't stand it if my life was without them. so i must document this, if only for myself. haha.

also, time is FLYING by right now. i think i like it?

also also, i am, officially, beginning work on my mission papers. :)

i'm down on my mind.

i used to have a very bad temper. i think i've mellowed out a lot.
but i often still take things too personally.
like, i'll get sad because someone's angry about something i inadvertently messed up. OR, when people don't take me seriously.

i like making lofty dreams and plans, but if i look you in the eyes, and i tell you i'm going to do something, (especially if i tell you multiple times, at different times) i have every intention of doing it.

just so you know.

two things:
this year has gone by SO fast...i think because it was so busy.
spacker is home in 17 daaaaays! beautiful.

oh and a third: (i can't stop listening to this. i don't think it'll ever get old...i've loved it awhiiiile)