as you curse or praise all the things you've done...

sometimes i feel overwhelmed with the enormous amount of ...everything.
all the books i want to/should read
all the music i want to/should hear
all the art i want to/should see

it's kind of nauseating...and really awesome.


song of the day:


p.s. sunny sun...please stop teasing. just come out. i miss you ...like the sun misses a flower. (hahah. how confusing. name that film?)

it's been a long time, long time now, since i've seen you smile.

welcome back my dear friend. (sun)
i have loads of happy pictures i kinda want to share...but i need to find my cord.
haha.

i don't really LIKE getting obsessed with..."things", but it happens.
my" thing" right now, is beirut.



i love that feeling summer always gives me, like i can do ANYTHING and i don't have to care what ANYONE thinks, and i can just have fun with old and older friends, and famdam, and make new friends, and just plaaaay.(and work. for mone-AY)
i think it's because i've ripped off that mentality that i need to obey my scholastic instructors/institution.
see, i'd make a terrible teacher.

however, i will not gamble away my time. i am using EVERY moment.
now let me go see if i'm an auntie yet.
thank you, have a nice day. :)

it's the final beginning after the end, it's good to be ALIVE.

i took my third final today. i inadvertently arranged the perfect playlist for it a couple nights ago. as i walked out,

adVENture. we're taking off.
then,

what are we doing? what happened? do YOU know?
then

haha i can do everything. sooo.

perfection, mother.
hi summer. what's up.

i won't look back anymore, i left the people that do, it's not the chase that i love, it's me following you!

If you're having a ...confused, unhappy, questionable, missing, unsettling...less-than-perfect day, and you can't...think, listen to sufjan. i could NOT concentrate yesterday, until i started. additionally, i've been thinking about what a dear nathan said last night about music...how sensitive he is to it.

the reason i cry so much is because i love to let everything in. if i feel like anything...a movie, a song, a sentence, a look, an action, a conversation, had love and effort and passion placed into it by the creator, i'll give it a chance. sometimes i shut myself off, because it's more comfortable, but how can i live my life with my eyes half-open? so i opened them last night as nathan's choice of beautiful french music washed over me, and i went home and listened to some sufjan and worked on my paper, and cried, haha, and went to bed. and now, as i reflect over people and things and experiences and everything that i've learned this year, i can do it with my eyes open, and without that uncomfortable anxious feeling. i'm so grateful to so many wonderful people that helped me, whether they live in my ward, or in provo, or in kaysville, or in logan, or ...the DR, Brazil, CA, Canada, NY ...and i wouldn't take anything back.

i'm really glad i feel like this beFORE finals, so i'll be able to concentrate finally, and stop feeling anxious and unhappy and wanting this semester to end...haha.

anyway. thanks, everybody.
i hate sunrises. i also have a rather difficult time embracing change. but i'm doing that right now. hence, the picture.

oh, also, that WHOLE line^ in kick drum heart totally applies to me.
i'm excited for the future. for my life. for new things. and for development of other things. i'm not chasing someone i'm in love with, i'm chasing life.

human.robot.human.robot.human. robo-DANCER!

stripes. in a dancing kitchen.
cute friends eating indian cuisine.
kissy faces. (i don't know how to kiss!-rtch) hhahahahhahaha.
excellent dance [birthday]partying.
consuming LOADS of caffeinated soda...healthAY. grood.
cute birthday dinner (thank you friends) with a real indian. (who's really...too legit to quit.)
best friends, always love being with me, you can see by their faces.

i promise i will start using my camera again. and posting my own pictures.
i even took some today.
buuut...til then, thanks rub and alec.

this is the best day of my life...we spreaded blankets on the couch.

hi. this is my best friend. he is great. and busy being the only white person in the DR. go missions. really though. so great. for him. for everyone. (i am soooo excited for tan feet. in the summer. and freckles. and funny things.)

anyway...gueeeessss what.

this was the best day ever.

me and ratch slept in. (she's my future roomate. she's really great also.)

THEN we had a pleasant chat. (kinda like pillow talk, but in the morning. cause i fall asleep in seconds.)

i ate a bowl of captain crunch.

we brought hilary to campus. campus peoples saw my onesie...more funny than embarrassing. so it was okay.

we almost killed a couple people trying to say hi to alec...and missed him anyway. hahahha.

i got home and a letter from THAT one ^ was in the stinking mailbox...win.

bare, nathan, alec and i got fish tacos. ALWAYS a good thing.

went to work...worked with wonderful people, served nice students. (i really love nice students. they make life so much better.)

ate a wonderful nutritious din-din at work. with my pleasant co-workers.

finished early, then went to the library to quickly write a nice paper, running into my nice friend ben, who is totally living right by me this summer, win.

and now...i'm watching a film about love and family and being awesome and cartooness and special effects and old concepts bringing new happiness...no, not avatar. avavomit. SPEED RACER. with nathan, tucker, rub and ratch, and soon joce.

this day is close to perfection.

thank you, and, good night.

(also i'm going to eat broccoli omelets in the morning. and ratch is baking bananer muffins. seriously. WIN.)

hi. shh.

psssst. i had my last day of escuela today.
YESSSSSS.
but i have to learn about the koran/qur'an...and mj's in the other room. sooooo...
i gotta go.
but.
YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSS.

POOP

DONE.
i'm done.
i'm done donedonedoneodnoneodnoenoendone

i have three hundred things due monday.
AWESOME.
i hate school. i hate provo. i hate college.
(i may take this back in a couple weeks. but i'm just not very pleased right now, thank you.)

when i grow up, my children won't know what this town is.
(and aggies...no comments. it's a utah hate, not just a p-town hate.)

city. i guess.
anyway.
but i met a very nice Asian girl today. meeting Asians is always nice.
she thinks my name is rachel though...

ohhhhkay

kanye. is great. he is. and i like him.

but daft punk knows how to remix their own songs best.

WIN.

summersick

I know I already wrote a post about summer. But. I don't care.
Summer is the best thing, in the whole world, and yes I would give up snowboarding frequently (since I've been...three times, in the last two years anyway, lame.) to have it all year round.
But I guess for me, at this time in my life, summer is having a stupid job that you kind of maybe like (or maybe just hate) and NO SCHOOL. and PLAAYing every spare moment.
maybe when I grow up, I can focus more on the weather.
I'm so done with school. And...I told someone the other day...maybe ratch, that, I'm so done and that's bad cause I have like fifteen papers to write....
I wasn't exaggerating. Excluding finals, I have fifteen papers to write. hahah.
I don't get homesick. or seasick. I get peoplesick. and summersick.
and when I get really...excited, or nervous, or sad, or happy, or angry, or anyextremeemotiony, I get nauseous.
I am literally sick, about summer. Right now. In the library.
things to do:
camp
picnic
swim
water color
DANCE PARTY
walk-about
wear cut offs
attend concerts
gaze at the starry skies
farmer's market
read beautiful literature
ice cream
DANCE PARTY
practice spanish
work
make healthy food (and eat it)
fruit. eat it.
DANCE PARTY
tie dye. cut off. spray paint. (create clothing)
call friendies on the phone (in logan, or ktown, or cedar, or WA, or FH, or indianers, or alazka, or whatever)
ride a bike
longboard/skate (hahah)
get summer skin
write letters

to name a few.
oh and...DANCE PARTY, maybe.
also, the picture at the top, is a nice tidbit of summer. britter and i were dancing in the car, on a long drive, to techno, with great friends, on the way to an outdoor concert.
SO SUMMER.
aghghghghghhghg
summer. come get me. now.

i hate/love being obsessed with songs.

soooo. i was talking to a dear friend the other day, after i started playing my presently favorite playlist in his car, for the eightieth time, he made a wincy face as it began...i asked him if he was sick of me playing it, and being the kind person he is...he just turned the conversation around to explain that i listen to music in a different way (over and over and over...if i like it) than he does.

which is true.

sahrry.

Anyway. Right now it's Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard...triggered by a darling lady in my ward and her fiancé.

and i'm overindulging because Tucker got the soundtrack and let me have it...

anyway.

it makes my heart hurt.

because that line...

take this sinking boat, and point it home- we've still got time.

i hate feeling like i'm in a sinking boat. and i hate it even more when i don't know which way is home.

but i just want to do it...to go there...so bad.

life. is so beautiful and wonderful and amazing and awesome and fun and happy...

and hard.